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Old 08-21-2011, 12:54 PM
Rayek Rayek is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Central Mass
Posts: 12

Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Why do you feel the need to meet Mary? I'm curious if it's because that's what you read should happen or if you really want to. It sounds like there may be other underlying issues that you want to work out aside from jealousy.
With the initial invitation to have coffee, it's true that I really wanted to meet her. I was interested in knowing the person Beth felt so much about, I didn't see us talking poly, or even Beth for that matter. I imagined us waxing intellectual about music, gender things (hang out with me for a half an hour and it'll come up...), coffee, the East Coast, anything. But I think now that she somewhat has closed that door in such a way... I don't know. It allows a lot of distrust to build. She obviously has misconceptions about the situation and about me, and now I think it's just to get the record straight, to make sure she's on the same page as Beth and I.

I'm wondering what other issues might I have other than jealousy? I'd like to know some possibilities, perhaps I'm not aware yet. I've done a lot of soul-searching and I have some abandonment issues, but most of them revolve around Beth and my relationship, not necessarily between Beth and Mary.

I haven't met Karma's girlfriend Cookie. I'd like day. And she feels the same. And to be honest so far it's worked out really well. Not knowing eachother has made it easier to keep the relationships seperate. I'm not sure how Karma feels about it, but it makes things a hell of a lot easier for me. But I don't have jealousy about her or their time together. I do get angry when Karma doesn't balance time well, but that's a balance thing and not a jealousy thing.
That seems to work for you, I think Mary hopes that it works that way as well. I trust Beth, the problem is I don't know if I trust Mary, and I don't really like the idea of someone who seems like she doesn't like me being close to the one I love. I hate to not be able to set the record straight about myself, especially to someone who's affecting my life so drastically. Maybe after we're all more well-versed in the ways to go about things I will feel more secure with not knowing who Beth is seeing, but as of now I saw a way for all of this to work smoothly and that way was closed by Mary.

Can you move on and past your jealousy over their time together without meeting her? I get wanting to meet her and clear things up, but if shes not willing why push it?
I had been relaxed about the meeting thing since Beth and I had our 'week of catharsis' together. After Mary refused the invitation I got a bit irritated and felt a little helpless, but they've been seeing each other since then and I wasn't going to bring it up until we were all ready. But last night is a prime example of how a few minutes of awkwardness over coffee could have dissolved the whole situation. It makes me frustrated, I feel like I'm seeing two steps ahead and trying to mitigate worse awkwardness in the future, while Mary is thinking about how crappy meeting me now would be.

As for the bar. You know what you are willing to deal with and not willing. Had it been me, I'd have enjoyed my night out and gone about my night whether she was there or not. Nothing said you had to talk to her. Nothing says she and Beth would have stayed upon realising you were at the same place. But it sounds like you were given the heads up, which makes me question if Beth knew you were there, why didn't she go ahead and make arrangements to go somewhere else?
Yes. I might have gone on with my night, but I was getting "the bad feeling". I don't know how to describe it other than that. A public place that serves alcohol is nowhere near the place to work with "the bad feeling". Especially when the source of it all is outside having a grand ole time. I'm still working around a lot of things, it's gotten much better, but something about it doesn't sit right with me, mostly Mary's attitude regarding me. I of course would like to say that my escape from the bar was a way to respect Mary's feelings, but to be honest I just didn't want to meet her there. I didn't want to be in that situation, then, in public, with mutual friends around. Especially with "the feeling" tearing away at my chest.

Also, what happened was, a few of Beth's friends were visiting from New York. Usually I'm appraised of that situation, we all hang out together and such and have a good time. So I arrived and saw them there, and said how "I didn't know you were coming up, does Beth know you're here". I had no clue Beth and Mary were to show up at any point, they didn't know we were going to the same bar.

Regardless, my girlfriends and I bar-hopped around town and had a good time, and I almost forgot about everything til I was at home alone.

Thanks for the reply.

Edit: Also, I want to not interfere at all with their time together, if possible. I won't text or call, or anything while she's with Mary. I want to respect their time and space together. So if they're gonna be where I am and it's their night together, I don't want to get in the way at all. I want not to be "The guy that's friends with everyone sitting at this table but refuses to say 'hi' or look our way." A lot of this is because I'm aware of how I come off to Mary. I want to be friendly, I want to be happy for Beth. I want Beth to explore this.

Last edited by Rayek; 08-21-2011 at 01:07 PM.
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