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Old 08-21-2011, 11:19 AM
Rayek Rayek is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Central Mass
Posts: 12

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
First, Mary is a metamour, not a tertiary. You're not dating Mary so she isn't primary/secondary/tertiary to you in any fashion.
Sorry if my terms are incorrect, I'm Beth's primary, Mary is her tertiary. I don't think I said she was my tertiary or anything, just that the relationship they have together isn't the primary one.

Next, Mary has no obligation whatsoever to meet you and spend time with you. It is as simple as that. Whether or not the two of you meet has absolutely nothing to do with showing respect for the other's time with Beth.
I'd like to know why/how not wanting to meet me is in any way showing respect for the fact that I exist in Beth's life.

Nearly everything... No, everything I've ever read on the subject says otherwise. In fact, some people here have put "not wanting to meet their partner's other partners" in their list of 'red flag behaviours'. As I said, our lives are already affecting one another's, and if situations like this occur more often than we would want them (and it has already, once) then meeting in neutral territory will help diffuse situations. Also, I think it does very much have to do with respect for Beth and I. The idea that in many ways she can pretend that Beth and I don't exist is a big hindrance. And quite a worry, too. And it slightly offends me.

Third, your reaction to going to the same bar they were scheduled to arrive at later is entirely your problem. You could have stayed there and enjoyed yourself--you had no obligation to leave just because Mary doesn't want to run into you. Piss on that--you don't have to schedule your life around her desire to not meet you. How 'bout you stop worrying about that and schedule your free time without giving her a single thought? Life will be much better that way.
Maybe I didn't explain very well. We are new to this. I'm posting in the "New to Polyamory" forum. I'm not an expert at wishing away jealousy and pretending like it doesn't exist. Also, Mary doesn't just not want to 'run into me', she doesn't want to know me at all. I didn't want to just 'run into her' while dealing with my jealousy issues. To be honest, I was "scheduling my free time without giving her a single thought", I was having a night out with my friends to forget about it. Also, I realize that a lot of my jealousy is internal, and Beth has been very good about helping me work through it, but there comes a point where all that can be done is done and I just have to 'bite the bullet' so-to-speak and work through it on my own. This is not one of those issues, this is an easily avoidable situation that would have been a whole lot better had Mary and I met.

Also, I've not felt more talked-down to about something serious that's happening in my life, I think ever. I think you have a rigid view by which you view polyamory which somehow doesn't include feelings like jealousy, or recognizes when people fought for a long time to acknowledge what they need from a situation in order for things to work. To be honest, I kind of feel like you're projecting onto me, turning me into this 'doting father', when that's not the situation at all. I didn't do this to you, I didn't do anything to anyone, please don't talk to me like I'm a child. That response was not helpful at all and I don't see how it could've been meant to be.

Thanks, internet

Last edited by Rayek; 08-21-2011 at 11:53 AM.
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