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Old 08-20-2011, 08:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
Thank you all so much. The guy he's thinking of seeing is perfectly nice, really, he's just much better friends with my boyfriend then he is with me. I don't doubt my boyfriend's estimation of him, I'm just afraid that if it turns out we can't really be friends, it will strain the relationship too much. I really want to be is friend, though. I'm hesitant to get to know him more because he's got a lot on his plate right now--getting out from under an abusive parent--and I don't know if trying to talk to him would put pressure on him to socialize when he doesn't feel like it. He and my boyfriend live in the same city, so I guess some of my insecurities come from the fact that they can so easily spend time together. I would honestly be really happy if he could be around someone when he needs to be. My boyfriend and I are both moving soon to our respective colleges, where we'll be about six hours away from each other and able to visit.
OK, so you're all young guys, teenagers or very early 20s?

Is the new guy also asexual? (BTW, you might want to choose nicknames or initials for both yr online bf and his new friend, to save confusion.)

To answer your questions, Magdlyn: He's known he's poly pretty much all his life--he says when he was younger his ideal relationship involved three people...
Well, a 3some is a common fantasy, but that is not the only way to do poly. Usually couples date separately, and are only friends (metamours) with their partner's partner(s).

The fantasy of a 3way where all 3 love each other equally rarely works out in real life.

I don't know what experience he's had with relationships before...
So, your online bf is new too? Maybe you've only been chatting him online just this summer while school is out? Time for some deeper talks about past relationship experiences and how you'd like the future to go. Long distance relationships are hard too... even when you are 6 hours away, that is still quite a long distance!

The new love interest, like I said, lives in the same city as he does, but very soon my boyfriend will be moving to college...

As for dealing with jealousy and envy--I don't know. Before, when I'd bottle it, after a few hours I'd be curled up on my bed and wallowing in sadness, so I obviously need to do something. The poly resources I've read just suggest having something to do. Soon I'll have schoolwork to do, and in the meantime, I can do what I usually do when I have feelings I don't know what to do with; write it out. That always helps me.
And communicate! With your online bf as well as the new guy. Even if the new guy is busy, if he wants "your" guy he'd do well to get to know you as well.

There's nothing wrong with this guy, we just don't mesh as well as he does with my boyfriend, but I would never disrespect him or try to turn my boyfriend against him.
OK, that's all right then.

I think the next step is to work on getting to know him more, and tell my boyfriend I'm cool with them being together while talking through it.
(And I was a little shy to say again that it's a long distance relationship because I was afraid of not being taken seriously but I'm glad that's not the case.)
Well, in my personal opinion, online relationships are kind of an outline or template for a face to face, body to body one. See how things develop after your and your online bf actually meet. Maybe the new guy and your bf will gradually lose interest in each other when he moves away too, and all this will be moot. Maybe you'll meet a new guy (or girl, or transperson, if you're bi or pansexual).
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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