Thread: Falling In
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opo0606 View Post
Hello!

I'm opo0606, new to the community, 24/F.
Welcome to the board. I must say you are the most outspoken and level headed unicorn we have seen here in a while. (unicorn-- hot bi babe in a triad with a primary couple, rare beasts)

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Last week if someone had asked my orientation I would have said perhaps bicurious, or monogamously inclined. For the past two years have been in a monogamous heterosexual LDR. We agreed to be single last month...
Why? Had you been living together? Is he still nearby?

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and have both started meeting new people and having exciting adventures. A dramatic shift from jealousy to compersion is happening for me and also seems to be happening for my boyfriend. We are "broken up" but our relationship feels stronger than ever and he is coming to visit me next week. He knows everything I am about to write here for you.
OK, so you haven't broken up so much as opened your relationship?

How long have Ken and Barbie been together? Do they have or want kids? Do you all live nearby each other, so frequent meetups are possible? Do you live alone? Do you have kids? How old is everyone? Does your primary know and like Ken?

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My snowboarding buddy "Ken" has had a crush on me since before I remember meeting him...

Last weekend I went camping with a group of friends... Ken gave me a massage and it made me a bit uncomfortable because he got a boner so I ran off. I was uncomfortable because I did not know his relationship status with Barbie.

...Ken was feeling me up and I quite liked it but felt compelled to call out, "Hey Barbie, are you guys in an open relationship?..."

Things progressed from there, and Barbie gave us permission to have sex but Ken refused because Barbie was wasted when she said that. We were all completely plastered. Ken and I were worked up and steamrolled Barbie with sexual pressure. I sensed she was not as hot and Ken and I, so I excused myself and we had normal interactions for the rest of the weekend.
Good to have put the brakes on when you were all out of your minds.

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Ken has called me every day, and Barbie and have also talked every day. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

At first, all I could think about was Ken and sex. Going from no attraction to thinking of nothing but sex with him after one night of making out in the woods felt insane.
Hormones will do that to a person.

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Then I talked to Barbie. We talk at length on the phone and now she has become my spiritual muse...

... The speed things have progressed is ridiculous. Today is Friday and we met last Saturday. We have cried, the two have fought, and the two tell me about nights spent making love and talking about ME. They send me romantic messages.
OK, fantasizing about both of them having sex with you is turning them on. NRE (new relationship energy) abounds.

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I want Ken to dominate us. I talk to Ken about this, and he talks to Barbie about this and she tells me how silly it is that Ken suddenly wants to be sexually adventurous in this way he has never been before.
Oh! So you're a sub and into BDSM, but they've never tried it, and you want to jump right into that after barely getting to know them? I mean I know Ken's been a buddy for a while, but not a sex/love interest til just last weekend. She thinks this is "silly?" Can you tell me what is silly about it?

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She feels threatened that there is a chance Ken could fall in love with me and want to run away.
Extremely common, almost universal, feeling when a couple opens their relationship for the first time.

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He asked me if "theoretically" he were to come over after work, without Barbie, just to see me, would I be receptive. I told him anything we did together that hurt Barbie would make me hate myself and hate him.
Good for you for again putting on the brakes!

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He has alluded to things like this twice and I have shot him down. Am I in denial that his libido is manageable and not to be taken seriously? How should I address this?
It might not *be* manageable. Men think with their cocks. It drains blood oxygen from their bigger heads and they do and say really, really stupid things. Lie, manipulate, misrepresent their intentions, anything to get in your pants.

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Right now Barbie and I have agreed to build a friendship with each other and set aside the sexual pressure Ken boils up. We had a very difficult day because Barbie blew up - she had not confessed her fears, insecurities and doubts and we pressured her. She said some hurtful things that I have forgotten. We talked it out. Now it feels stronger. She says she doesn't want to say no to this and wants to get to know me better. I have had to tell Ken to put a bag of ice in his pants to relieve the pressure so she and I can build a friendship.
LOL Sounds like you two women are in charge and he better rein it in. If they are fantasizing about you while having sex, sexy texting you and getting themselves off, maybe they should stop that for a while until all 3 of you negotiate what you want out of this relationship in as calm and cool a way as possible.

Read this for yourself for starters, the Secondary's Bill of Rights:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html#bor

Read the books Opening Up, and The Ethical Slut.

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Part of me is afraid this adventure will cause me to lose my boyfriend and my new couple if I'm not careful. My boyfriend/exboyfriend is concerned that I may be putting him at risk for STDs and that's justified. Ken has a risky roving cock.
Safe(r) sex is the only way to go when one is poly! Your primary is quite right to be concerned. If you and he are, and have decided to remain, fluid bonded, both of you need to use condoms with other partners. The risk for STD transmission is lower with oral sex, but if you don't trust Ken to have really been mono with Barbie for the past several months (ask for them both to get tested), you might not want to engage in oral sex with either of them, either.

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Things are up in the air - will it happen? Will it not? Either way, I am feeling blessed for this experience to grow in my primary relationship. Barbie and Ken tell me that I am the best thing that's happened to their sex life in years. My frankness has opened up their communication about sex. They are not in an open relationship but Ken's roving cock has forced the topic up lately.
One red flag is that it seems Barbie wants friendship with you, but Ken only wants sex. It's not poly if it's just fucking around. Do you just wanna fuck Ken, or does he have redeeming qualities as a potential boyfriend as well?

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It seems like we are walking a path toward polygyny...
Actually it's called a triad (if all 3 people are involved sexually and on a more or less equal basis), or a V (if Ken is fucking both of you, but you and Barbie are just friends). Polygyny assumes marriage, and usually just the man gets to have sex with both women, the women don't fuck, or fool around with, each other.

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...and perhaps a scenario where Ken's cock is satisfied and Barbie doesn't feel threatened and I'm a total sex kitten with a sexy girlfriend to play dress up with. That would be amazing.
Well... You're all turned on and flattered now, but just try and read up here and on xeromag and in those books I mentioned. There can be many pitfalls. Barbie's already simmering fears about Ken leaving her are an indication of this.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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