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Old 08-20-2011, 07:06 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
I’m on the verge of telling my poly boyfriend that I’m cool with him pursuing other partners. But I haven’t done it. Something’s holding me back and I don’t know what.
Hi Periwinkle. I see you're a gay or bi guy. I see you saying on other threads that you and your boyfriend have a long distance relationship, you're both (more or less) asexual, and now he is interested in another guy. But I have more questions for you before I offer information.

Has your bf been poly long?
Is he experienced at how things go with a new relationship, when one already has a primary?
Are you both aware of how NRE can make things crazy for a while?
Does the new interest of his live closer to him than you do, so he can actually spend time with him on a regular basis?
If yes to the last question, how will you deal with jealousy and envy?

I’ve looked at so many resources, more than I can count, but I still feel so unsure. I feel like unless there’s some resource I haven’t found that will make it all click and make me completely certain, then I have truly done all I can and the next step is to try the polyamorous relationship and see where it goes from there, with lots of communication between myself and my boyfriend.
Yes, one can read all one can find, but just as with having a child, you don't really know what it's like, the joys, the terrors, the warm yummy feelings, the negotiations, the time sharing, the fears (aka the poly rollercoaster), until you actually do it.

One of the greatest sources of hesitation is that I don’t like the guy he wants to pursue very much.
Uh oh. Well, sometimes all a primary can do is give the go ahead anyway, and let their partner see the new one's faults for himself. Be there when he needs a shoulder to cry on, if/when it all goes bad. He might need to experience it for himself.

Ideally I’d hoped he’d find someone and we’d all love one another equally, but I know it’s unreasonable to expect that.
That's called a triad, and it seems those are the hardest poly relationships to make work. It's really much easier to date separately. The "third wheel factor" in triads is really a tough one.

I want to be his friend but I’m afraid if we don’t get along well enough it will make things unbearable.
If he lives near your bf, and you're hundreds (?) of miles away, you certainly don't need to be friends with the new guy. It is recommended you both be able to chat respectfully and politely. No lying, no taking potshots at each other out of jealousy.

I feel like I could tell my boyfriend I’m comfortable with this if I detached myself from it all emotionally and convinced myself that I don’t really care about the relationship as I told him.
No need to push down your emotions. (That's such a guy thing... sigh...) Declare your feelings to your bf, but allow him space to make his own decisions and learn his own life lessons. Unless you think he is in real danger with the new guy, like, this guy is a criminal, or really crazy, or addicted to drugs, or just using him for his money or something, then do speak up!

I really just feel like a horrible boyfriend. Should I wait until I'm certain about it or does certainty never come? Would you advise that I try poly anyway or I wait until I feel 100% comfortable (though I doubt I ever will)?
Yeah, you won't ever feel 100% comfortable. And even when you do start, there's a learning curve that can take a while to travel. This can feel bad, you may feel jealous. I guess you've read up on jealousy elsewhere, but there are plenty of threads on jealousy here as well. Good luck!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-20-2011 at 07:08 PM.
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