Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. Obviously, I won't give a play by play of everything that's happened.
Most importantly, I have been learning a lot about drawing lines. Sexual lines. Emotional ones. Time management ones. Lines of all kinds. Sometimes, I feel mean or demanding when I do that but I'm learning *slowly* that it can be the most compassionate thing to do. When you feel respected and fulfilled, you can be there more joyful for everyone else around you. Including yourself.
I suppose I am really learning how to take better care of myself.
The Nurse and I continue to roller coaster from friends to being angry to sad to normal. I'm getting to a point where soon, I may need to actually let go. I'm hoping that we can be play partners primarily and do that consistently. If we can find a good rhythm then I'd be happy to keep him in my life.
And then further complicating the situation....
So The Nurse's ex is M. M is now dating E and C. The Nurse, M and E used to be a triad at one point. Then it was a constellation of sorts with M in the middle and Nurse, E and C as the arms. Recently E and M broke contact with the Nurse. Before that had happened the Nurse had suggested that I talk with E about some personal stuff related to me. E and I struck up a friendship. Now, I am further exploring that with E as well as playing (kink) and also getting to know M more. The Nurse is not fully aware of this for a few reasons. 1) We're not dating or in a D/s relationship so I feel I have no real obligation to report who I hang out with. 2) He's been highly unpredictable and volatile as of late and I fear that he would not react well to the news. 3) He and I have been spotty and who knows if that friendship will even last. So why should I have to pick his side? I really don't think I should have to pick sides at all...
The Nurse keeps making plans with me and cancelling them. It's getting old. Sometimes he has a legit reason, sometimes he doesn't. Either, it's rude, inconsiderate and causes a lot of emotional upheaval.
He's also involved with someone else, P. They're supposedly play-partners and fuckbuddies. But I have heard that she really wants a real relationship from him but he doesn't know that's what she wants....blah blah drama drama
She's a royal mess and so is he and I want to be far, far away from the blast radius when that shit hits the fan. He seems to think commitment is hot lava right now and just wants to do whatever he wants. I don't disagree that he'd probably be best off single right now but he keeps starting up connections with people in which he acts like something he refuses to be. I feel fairly inclined to keep my distance emotionally until he gets his shit together and stops being such a flake.
In other news, the new semester is starting up and work is pretty busy. My hot pepper plants are finally growing peppers and my rosebush is blooming. I went to visit family for a week and had a surprisingly good visit. I also went to a regional burning man festival and had a cool experience. Hopefully someday I'll get to go to Burning Man. I've taken a Krav Maga hiatus until some injuries go away and it's easier to see my ex there. It was at the point where it was hurting more than it was helping so I've let that go for the time being. I have so much cleaning to do in the next few days before the semester starts. I spent a week house/bunny sitting for a friend. Toggling between two houses really isn't fun. Especially with no car.
I also have decided to take a break from dating until I feel a bit more confident in my ability to distinguish a good relationship from a bad one since apparently I don't seem to know too much about how to do that well.