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Old 08-19-2011, 03:54 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 605
Default Life is beautiful

The hectic pace and sadness from the past days subsided and we are living quite quiet again. The shock and disbelieve from the death of Lin's friend is still around but it settled down a bit. The loss of a dear friend is always hard but this one seems especially tragic to me, she was some years older than I and pregnant with her first child; a situation I am seeing myself in in a year or two. I was unable to not imagine myself in her shoes and in those of her husband. He went into shock the day after the accident and is still in a bad place at them moment.

Having said this much, the life at our place is just harmonious and beautiful. I am in love. I love to observe and I tend to observe myself more than anybody else. There are this little moments when I recognize a new gaze that was unfamiliar before, a smile or a special way to frown and my stomach is filled with this gentle prickling. The time Lin and I are able to share is so precious and I enjoy every minute. When Sward comes home in the evening the house is filled with laughter and a certain kind of intimacy that is hard to describe.

I have been afraid that the time Sward, Lin and I would spend with each other could feel forced, aggravating or generally awkward. Nothing like that happened. After reading so much about problems that others encountered during their poly-journey I was expecting similar ones. And I searched for them, anticipated them behind every word or action. I exhausted myself with this behavior without realizing it. Yes, it is tiring to think about two people most of the day, to analyze how content they are with the current situation, if everyone's needs are met, if I split everything equally between them and so on. I recognized how much this strained me two days ago. Or, to be more precise, Lin did. He asked me if everything was ok, because I had been silent and moody since the early morning and didn't spoke much.

He as well as Sward did mainly look out for each other; to not ask too much, to keep connected and care for each other and solve their mutual issues. None of them or I myself payed much attention to my problems, mainly because even I didn't recognize there were some. And because the issues I developed were about the issues I couldn't find in our everyday life. Paradox, I know, I tend to be complicated. So I was stressing myself over problems that weren't there. After realizing that much I was relieved.

Sward and Lin reassured that they were not doing this for me, that they want to be happy as well and that they knew how to achieve that, that they were not only in it because there was no other option or I was forcing them to do so, that they decided for themselves what they want and that they want me and Us (capital here, because they started a beautiful metamour relationship that seems to work out as great as each relationship I got with them).

I know that this is an early stage, that we can't be sure of anything because it's so new and fresh, but I feel already settled and at ease. There is no tension between us and Sward and my, since day one somehow really tranquil, everyday life just picked up another person who was simply included to it. And Lin is fitting in so well. He got his own place already, the chores just shifted naturally (cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping, walks with the dog and so on), everyone is doing what he can and what is at hand at the moment.

I just want to snuggle up between them and sink deeper and deeper into this happiness. Just five more days to come I am getting really greedy here. I doubt that I can let go when Wednesday comes.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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