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Old 08-19-2011, 11:07 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 67

So here is the update from last night. We went to the poly practical, I held up fine during it. I participated it was more about what is going on with their yahoo group and online dating. I had some to offer but nothing about poly. Afterwards is when things got bad. She started talking to one of her friends, about the whole situation. I started getting looks of why aren't you ok with this. It made me very uncomfortable and upset. She was acting so nonchalant about everything, like well he will just accept this because he has no option. I hate seeing this side of her. As soon as we got in the car she 180 and was like I know this bothers you still. I know you aren't there. I told her I would appreciate not coming again, I don't think I can handle it. She told me she would prefer if I kept coming. I explained to her that the feeling of not being enough is the part that is triggering my jealousy. When I get back in town we are going to go through the link you sent me polycouple. When we got home we both ended up in tears while talking. As she started to get intimate with me I had to stop because I had the image of her and the other guy. We continued to talk. She made a comment but I stopped her. I will explain at the end why. Her comment was, "If you really can't handle the poly thing....." This is where I stopped her. I don't want her to tell me she will commit to a mono life style. If she would have finished with that, I know I would sabatoged everything to get that. I want to be ok with this. When we started talking about our relationship she stated she is as commited to me as she can be, but she knows that isn't what I want. I told her it is the fact that she told me last weekend, hey I am going to introduce you as my bf but don't get carried away with it. It is only because I don't want to explain the situation to the people I work with. I told her well being the guy you are dating compared to A bf is different to me. You have done this in the past with other people and the guy has been your bf and introduced as such. I know it is as stupid, but to me it speaks to how much a person is willing to commit. I asked her if she thought I was her primary, she said she doesn't like those terms. Then I moved into asshole mode. Asking if he actually cared for her at all, or if she was just a fuck buddy. This upset her and then I elevated it by saying ya I got it. You have it to a science, get what you need while you are at home with me and you have it to a science with him, show up dance, fuck, and come home to me because I am safe. I felt horrible as soon as the words left my mouth. We both end up in tears again. Eventually we both calm down and talk it out. I tell her, my fears about being hurt by the other guy. I don't want to see that. She tells me, "ya I know you got pulled into the poly thing without being ready to it, I really appreciate you trying, I know it is extremely hard for you to deal with right now and I know you might not ever be ok with it. I do appreciate it. I know that you aren't going to give me the option to change and commit (mono) to you. You will just walk away." I told her she is right, it is unfair for you to have to change for me" I told her that I might start dating because that might balance my mind out. My thought is if I have someone how can I get mad at her for it. Then she showed her jealous side. It is worse than mine. Eventually we just let everything die and enjoyed our last night together. I found out last night I will have to go out of town before she gets back from her dance event. This is what happened last time. I freak out, she gets stressed, dance event, I leave for a work trip. I want to be ok with this. Where is the "OK YOUR POLY" button. She is very important to me, I love her. This is the only thing I have an issue with. Sorry for the length of this but I needed to get it out there.
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