uhhh I can so relate to being self sufficient and having fibro come along and change it all. That was one of hardest things for me. I went from working 50-60 hrs a week to barely being able to handle part time retail.
I learned a lot of adaptations from looking at how stroke victims work things out. We have really long grill tongs that I use to reach things off the floor if I can't bend over. I keep my phone in my pocket so I can call him if I need help getting out of bed. And I try really hard to not over do it on good days. But I usualy fail miserably.
I also stop and think before I speak. While vaccuming the lawn is hilarious. It's hard on us when it happens all the time and we just want to get a point across. So I slow down and work out every word before it's said. I'm bad at putting the milk in the cupboard and cereal in the oven, so when I am putting things away I stop and think is that where it really goes. I will literaly look at my hand and say this is milk, milk is cold, cold goes in the fridge. It seems goofy but it's become a natural thing that has saved us some cash from spoiled food.
It maybe helpful to allow khas to help you. To show that you do trust him to do these things for you. Do what you can. But don't be afraid to say "I know if I do this I'm just gonna make a bigger mess, can you help?" That's how I do it. If I know I can do it, even if it'll take twice as long, I do it. If I know I'll end up hurting myself or making a bigger mess that he'll have to clean up, I ask for help.
A thought on him loving B. For me it was realisng that it isn't a matter of more or less. I don't love my mom more than my dad. I don't love my niece more than my nephew. I love them differently because they are different people. So it's not a matter of Karma loving Cookie the same as me, more than me, less than me, because the love he has for her is individualised for her and the love he has for me is mine and mine alone. No one can take it or make it less than it is,other than Karma and I. Because it is what we created. And no one can make his love for Cookie more or less and anything else other than he and cookie because they created it.
It's not a matter of comparrison. And this is where that happy healthy sane with myself came in. I don't need to compare myself to anyone. My relationship with Karma is ours. Only we can make it or break it. So comparing it to the one he has with anyone else is a waste of time and energy and I just don't have that much to waste. It's like comparing my marriage to my brothers, or my friends. It can't be compared because the people and the dynamic are different. So why waste the time comparing mine to cookies?
This is why I don't buy into using secondary and primary labels. If using them at all, it is in reference to the fact that they haven't had the time to build what we have over 9 yrs. But even at that, She's not less than me nor is she more than me. She's Cookie and I'm Mo and that's how it is.
And I dont think it's healthy to see it as her giving him things you can't. At least not right now. It's not so much a matter as it being something you can't give as much as it is she's a completely different person from you. Do you only have one friend? I have friends from all walks of life. I don't seek them out because this one can give me something the others can't. I seek them out because I have fun with them. And this one and I happen to have country music in common so we like to watch the televised concerts and talk about them. But this other one and I both bake a lot. And L and I have been friends since we were 4 and have completely different lives but we have that building block of knowing each others souls after being together that long.
For me it's not about what the baker gives me verse the music lover verse L. It's about what we have in common and why we like to spend time together.
I was jealous or envious or whatever you want to call it, over the fact that Karma and Cookie can just take off and go somewhere. Where I have to plan out how much walking there is, how many stairs I have to take, is there somewhere to eat if my sugar drops, are there bathrooms nearby, how much sitting is involved, what is the temp outside, am I gonna wake up without the use of my fingers or arms or neck.
And then Karma spends a week playing Mario wii with me and helping me beat my first video game. And we talk about things that he is working through, and we prep for school next week. And I remind myself that it's not about what he does with her that I can't do. It's about what he does with me and what we can do. And then I realise it's more to do with hating what fibro has taken from me, than it is actual feeling directed towards them.
Hope that helps. I'm flaring big time today and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.