Thread: Hello from NY!
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Old 10-25-2009, 12:52 AM
MRC2009 MRC2009 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 15

Originally Posted by Legion View Post
Okay, my perception from reading this thread is that your husband likes/loves you and wants to continue a relationship with you, but he also has some nagging thing in the back of his head that he wants kids and that he's not going to be able to have them with you. Maybe that's his only reason for wanting multiple partners, or maybe he has other motivations, but I perceive that this is a very real and major motivation for him. So naturally if you make it a rule that he can't do what he specifically is wanting to be "poly" for, you are going to butt heads.
Legion-Thank you for your reply! I think that your perception is pretty close to how I think my husband feels. My husband has said to me that he has convinced himself that I won't be able to have children! And that is a lot of the problems between us. Instead of him asking/talking to me about things, he just assumes that he knows what I'm going to say or how I am going to feel. I keep saying to him that we haven't begun to try yet and we won't know what's going to happen until we do. I mean I just began the first step in April 2009. We were supposed to start the second step in April 2010. I'm extremely hopeful and my doctor is too. I just wish that my husband was as well.

I have often wondered if he wants to be Poly in hopes that he can plant his seed and have the children he so desperately wants. I haven't asked so I'm not going to assume anything. But you make a lot of sense as to why he became so defensive when I said that I didn't want him getting any other woman pregnant. At this current time all I am asking from him is to let us try first! If it doesn't happen for us then I'll have to rethink that "rule."

Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I know a lot of people are ragging on him for other quotes like telling you that he will be more likely to find a partner than you so I'm not going to even bother joining that parade. Suffice to say, he finds odd ways to express his respect and admiration for you.
I do agree that he finds add ways to express his respect and admiration for me. That's one thing that I've been having a hard time with. I've asked him time and time again if he wanted to get divorced so that he could live the Poly lifestyle and everytime he says no! How can he tell me no then be so mean to me with his words? I am trying to be as open and receptive to his feelings as I possibly can. It's really hard as I've only had 4 weeks to deal with this and he says that he's been wrestling with it for 4 years.

Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I am with you on "not living your life by a list." We are a series of moments and memories and energies and sure you can write something down like I am at this moment but this does not being to encapsulate me... it is merely an expression of who and where and what I am feeling in this moment in response to what I am perceiving and processing. Making lists and defining oneself has the inherent danger of causing neglect of one's infinite nature.
I wish I could get my husband to understand this. I have done my best to make a list but it just doesn't feel right to me. When I tried to talked to my husband (it's hard as he's out of the country at the moment) about my list he told me that it wasn't right. My list contains single word answers and according to him they are supposed to be statements. As an example one of my needs is 'communication.' He says that I need to be specific as to what I mean by that. I'm getting so incredibly frustrated with this damn list crap!

I really think that my husband is scared, nervous, etc about all of this. I'm just worried that he is over zealous about all of this. I mean all he keeps talking about are the Pros of Poly and how "fun and exciting" it can be for us. I'm really scared that he is going to be hurt! He doesn't have a great track record with woman (meaning he only had a few dates with the woman in his past. I don't think anyone stuck around for more then 2-3 months). Not too mention he has a LOT of anxiety (about lots of things). I've tried to tell him how worried I am about these things and he has told me that, that's part of what I'm here for. To be his rock when/if something like that happens. I don't want to see him get hurt, used or abused. I love and care about him way to much to not be there for him.

BTW...Are there any books that anyone can recommend to me (about Poly, etc)? I've heard a lot about 'The Ethical Slut' but I wondered if that's geared more towards the Poly minded or can a Mono read it too?
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