I just can't stop posting on this thread. It reminds me too much of my own life, I think. I'll say one more thing and stop for now. Her "Wanna suck some cock tonight" message could be taken one of two ways. It could be a sign that she just thinks of you as a sexual prop for their marriage, sure. On the other hand, if you haven't shared your distress and concerns with her in a way that let's her know you're serious and really questioning the relationship (not sure whether you have or haven't, but let's say you haven't) then it could just as easily be that she truly cares for you and was just, in her mind, being sexy and flirty and fun. People can't avoid saying hurtful things if they have no idea that you might be hurting over something. You'll never know which it is unless you lay it out to her.
Pretty much anyone who's been doing poly for any length of time can tell you -- because so many complicated issues and emotions are involved, consistent, clear, honest and thorough communication is absolutely essential for success, moreso even than in a good mono relationship. Just letting things slide and hoping it'll work out will not cut it. That doesn't mean you have to share everything under every circumstance (they call that radical honesty)... for instance I decided to suck it up and NOT tell my gf how sad I was not to be able to be at her birth, because it wasn't something that could reasonably be up for negotiation anyway, and it just would have made her more sad and stressed at an already difficult time. But things about the basic structure and rules of your relationship? Those cannot be ignored.
My gf and I end up talking a LOT to keep our relationship going in a healthy way, and, yeah, I end up initiating most of those conversations because I more frequently need to work stuff out than she does. Like I said above, the position of the third just comes with a host of attendant questions and insecurities. On the other hand, if her husband had super strong NRE with me and she was in the role of the jealous, hurting wife (thankfully not the case) I imagine there might be more to talk about from her end.
Ok, actually going to try to focus on work now...