Originally Posted by peabean
I think it's very important that you stand up for your needs now, rather than wait it out.
Since their relationship is about to evolve with the addition of a child, the evolution into a triad will be that much tougher.
If I were you, I wouldn't agree to the 'no dating anyone else' request at this point. In fact, I find that kind of request a bit rude, since they haven't been very accommodating to you.
I couldn't agree more with these three statements. My girlfriend of almost two years and her lovely husband recently had their first child and the changes/difficulties have been huge (not that it hasn't been worth it!).
I've calmed down a little since I posted earlier and I'm willing to give your lady the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she truly doesn't understand the natural insecurities and needs that come with your position as the third coming into an established relationship. Maybe when you lay out for her everything you're feeling and going through she'll say "Oh wow, I didn't think about it that way," and then either say "it was unfair of me to ask you not to date outside me and hubbie because we can't offer you everything you need and deserve right now" or "I will do more to make you feel like a full member of this polyfidelitous triad that I've been trying to set up, starting with a long overdue one-on-one date for you and hubbie... is Tuesday good for you, I know he's free then. After the two of you get that basic level of communication going, the three of us can get sit down for a bigger talk about where this is going, especially in light of our upcoming child and all the changes that will bring."
On the other hand, if her response is more along the lines of "lolwhat, you have needs?" then I reiterate my advice from earlier -- get out and find another person or another couple who will treat you like a person who deserves respect and not a sextoy... they're out there. You can read my blog in the Life Stories section if you want an up-close perspective on a similar situation.
I know it's scary as hell to put your cards on the table, risk what you already have, and make yourself vulnerable. But I truly think this situation will just lead to more heartbreak if you allow her/them to continue to think that everything is fine until it gets to the point that you're hurting so much you have to leave for your own sanity. If she's worth it, she'll listen to you. That's the very least we owe our friends and lovers.