View Single Post
Old 08-18-2011, 05:33 PM
justlost's Avatar
justlost justlost is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Rocky Mtn. Front Range
Posts: 38

First of all thank you all so much for your taking the time to read all this and for your feedback.

It is so nice to know not only that others have been where I am and are now happy with their lives, but also that I am not struggling unheard. Does that even make sense? Hmmm…..

@Mohegan – I like the Happy Healthy Sane idea, and I never even thought of attaching it to my relationship with myself… so true that I cannot expect others to be happy with me when I am not.

I have fought for the last few years with the feeling that the fibro “stole” my life. Before I got hurt and then sick I was always self-supporting. ex: When I was a single mother of 4 I took the kids and a playpen and stuck them all in it while I cleaned people’s houses.

Being financially independent was a big part of my self-identity. I lost that shortly after getting sick, I fell into a deep place full of self-pity, and an overwhelming sense of loss of self.

Your story gives me so much hope, thank you!

@ true River – I can’t remember ever feeling jealous over the kids time with their dads. That must be an awful place to be as a parent, I can understand what you are saying though.

Your right that I apparently don’t know how to give the things that B gives, we are different people and really both Khas and B drive me crazy the way they will let the practical management of life just not matter if they are in the space where their artistic talents have them on some sort of spiritual high.

Guess that isn’t going to change on my part, I can fake lots of things if I have to but I don’t think I could ever even WANT to stop making sure life keeps moving smoothly.

We do a lot of things together already, and Khas is going out to public places now and even enjoying himself.

I am glad and the experience makes me happy since it is the things I have always wanted to do and in fact we did do when we were dating, so now with B & I together he is doing those things again.

Only that is a bit of a double edged sword because it brings so many bittersweet memories. That is something I will need to work on. Enjoying the present, not letting the bitterness overwhelm the joy of the moment, sounds simple so there is no doubt it won’t be easy!

@Karma – Ack! So many questions! LOL

The fibro affects me pretty much the same as it appears to effect Mohegan. I have good days and bad, I get some other problems because of my neck injury.
I can’t reliably hold things, especially in my left hand. Although I have learned to hold things with my arms so I don’t drop them. And we have adjusted much of our lives around it. unbreakable dishes are not as pretty but much more practical.

I don’t really know if Khas can be considered my caretaker. I know that he helps me a LOT but I try very hard to do things myself, and am always getting yelled at for not asking for help.

I am trying to talk B (hmmm maybe I should give her a real nickname) into teaching him to French braid because I really really don’t want to cut my hair but it is getting harder and harder to take care of on my own.

The inability to speak clearly and concisely is probably the #1 thing that drives me crazy about fibro…. I mean to say “TV” and end up with “shiny window like thing” and don’t forget to “vacuum” the yard…. GRAH!

I am envious of B in a lot of ways, I think I know what most of them are and am trying to find places inside where I can find pride or something like that in myself so that it I can appreciate her better without that envy getting in the way.

Really learning to be not just ok with who I am, how I look and my own talents will be a big step.

It's rather difficult to find something to feel good about in being the one that is loved and cherished because I keep him grounded... LOL as soon as I typed that I realized what he has been trying to say.. maybe that is a good thing after all.... not very romantic though..

Ok Khas loving B the same way he loves me….

I don’t know why it hurts so much and don’t really want to think about it… guess that means I need to... but damn it….

Ok thinking of it also apparently pisses me off….

*now* I’d like to throw something!
Dance in the rain...
Reply With Quote