There's something very contrived and artificial about trying to insure that everyone is getting equal signs of affection. Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favor one person over another in an openning couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?! That's just not relaxed enough. Sure, it would be terrible to be left out of the affection entirely, but, you know, nature has sunny days and rainy ones..., things are in flux. We ought to let ourselves be natural about it. It won't rain on anyone all of the time -- nor will the sun always shine on anyone. Too much worry about "equal treatment" is as bad or worse than actual inequality of affection and love. JRM
That's a tremendous paragraph, JRM and a great term "meter out"......this is a topic that my wife, my 2nd and I are new to and still trying to come to grips with. Most nights we are all very comfortable sitting together on the sofa, sharing touches, hand holding, etc. Me, the instigator of the poly arrangement seems to always be feeling like I need to "meter out" the displays of affection in a 50/50 way to these two fine women. It's almost phobic on my part, seemingly needing to be sure that I'm not favoring one partner over the other...I guess especially so since I'm still feeling guilty about dragging my long time wife into this arrangement with me and not wanting for a minute for her to feel left out of anything. She assures me she doesn't and that the affection I show my 2nd or she me, doesn't bother her at all.
So why do I still feel the need to "meter it out"? Is it because this is all still so new, from guilt, or is it out of 27 years' habit of only holding hands with, rubbing toes with my wife? Will this need to "meter out" pass with time and our growth as a polyfidelitous V? Your 12 year history seems to have lent much wisdom to you JRM.....I hope I'm there one day.