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Old 08-18-2011, 10:04 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85
Default two kinds of jealousy

dear justLost,

late on Aug11th (or early on 12th, not sure of your timezone) you wrote this:

The relevant fact to me is simple .
I love him, I want him to be a happy and complete
person in every way that means to him.

Or, in my words, you want your beloved to flourish: hold fast to that thought in the difficult times, whether you use my words or yours.

Only, it is hard at times to keep that feeling, innit? sometimes you really mean it, at others you don't feel it at all and remind yourself that even when you don't feel it, you still *choose* to mean it. That is normal. It is a hard committment you have chosen, sometimes.

I hope what I will say below will help to increase the times when you feel like that, and help to reduce the times when you find it hard.

Think back to when one of your children were small, and on their own (just one Child) on a trip with Dad: maybe just to get an ice cream, maybe Child helped Dad get the shopping, maybe a whole day out, or whatever, think back...

Were you jealous of Child for having Dad's time and attention? (some women are), Were you jealous of Dad for having Child's time and attention? (some women are).

If you were jealous, think back, how did you control that jealousy, did you overcome it? if so, how?

I bet, if you ever suffered that parental jealousy, the way you found that was most powerful to overcome the green eyed monster was to notice how good Dad is with my Child: notice how Child flourishes with Dad, cos he gives things that I can't. And also to notice how Dad really flourishes in the company of Child, cos Child gives to him something I haven't got.

Or maybe you got lucky on that form of jealousy? maybe it never even occurred to you that some parents have to cope with that. Then those thoughts, the ones about enjoying your beloveds flourishing in each other's company, those thoughts and the joy that comes with them were so strong in you at the time that jealousy, the green eyed monster, ran off and lurked in a dark corner waiting for an easier target.

Either way, that is your #1 weapon now against the green eyed beastie. To be sure, what you are witnessing and imagining between husband and best friend, what you are witnessing now is a different kind of love than between your husband and your child, a sexual love that more easily fuels jealousy.

The beastie has an easier target this time. Even so, the #1 weapon is up to the challenge.

There are things Khas has mentioned that he gets from his time with B and he doesn't get from you. You have three ways you can choose to go with that information.
3- you can choose to stay angry about it
2- you can choose to add those things to your own life so that Khas can get them at home in future
1- you can choose to focus your mind, as often as you remember, on how B makes K flourish

Let's look at those options in detail. Option 3 got that number as it is the third best choice. It leads to divorce, and you are clear you do not want to go that way except as a last resort.

Option 2 is what you will get from agony aunts in the press, and if you were sharing your life on a mono forum. It is the right option for some people.

From what you have posted earlier in this thread, I will honestly say it does not sound like this is the option for you, and I will tell you why. Then I want you to check out what I say inside your soul, and if it does not fit then ignore it.

You have been trying so hard for so long to be what Khas wants, and it has zapped your self esteem. Of course it has, you stopped being the real You to your husband, and the woman he loved during that time was part real, part just you acting out his wishes. No wonder you were losing self esteem, you were losing your self!

OK, so that leaves the #1 option, the #1 weapon against jealousy.

Take those things that Khas needs, and that you cannot give him, and thank B for helping your husband flourish in those ways, thank her for saving you the task of having to take up a fake interest to keep your husband happy. I bet you are not ready to do that yet, but till you are, feel how it would be to. say that to B. 'Hey B, you really help K to flourish when you ...'

Please don't fake that: do not say that to B till you can say it honestly. That leads back into the same low self esteem trap. For now, the thing is just to feel how it would be when you imagine saying it.

One day, when you do this thought exercise your soul will feel joy, then is the time to say it to B. This joy has been called 'compersion' by some folk who write about polyamory. Compersion is the antidote to jealousy. Once you have felt it the first time, it will come easier the second time, and will come again faster every time after that.
And then there are other things K needs that he is getting from B that you would really like to be able to give, not just to keep K happy but because these are things you feel are part of the real you. Maybe you gave them up when you became a homemaker? Maybe you never even got started on them because you became a homemaker instead, for your beloved husband and your beloved children. Why should B step in now and do those things that I wanted to do?

This form of jealousy is different, and the antidote is different.

Here is my suggestion on those things. Pick the one that you most want to have in your own life right now.

Say to K, and in a separate conversation say to B, that you are letting them have couple time together, but that you also want to spend time together as a three. Say to each of them, you are both ahead of me in X, but it is something I used to do / I always wanted to do. In return for giving you two couple time together, please can we do X all three of us together?

This will feel weird! Very!!!!!

It will also give you plenty more chances to feel jealous, as you see them together.

It will also help your heart to understand that B is no threat to you, she and K are in your life FOR YOU as well as for each other. Something similar worked for me: try it and see if it works for you as well.

I honestly think jealousy is a good emotion when it is about something we can do with a pair of partners. It is like hunger is good when we really need to eat: this sort of jealousy is given us for a purpose, to let our heart tell our mind that X is something I want to get back from my two partners.

You see someone eating whenyou are hungry, you feel jealous. you could get angry, but a more useful approach is to say 'I'm hungry too, can we share?'

These are just my thoughts: test them and if they don't work then drop them.

Let me know how you get on, if you try any of these suggestions, or any of my past ideas.

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