Wow you read through my whole blog? You poor thing
It sounds to me that you are at a similar place as I was. What helped me was finding myself again. Chronic illness can take away your sense of self. I've had fibro since I was 12, but it didn't get debilitating until the last few years. It's hard to adjust to the new person you become at that point. You no longer are who you used to be. That's a damn hard place to find yourself.
As painful as parts of it were, Karma dating Cricket really helped me focus on me. I chose to use my time alone to my work on myself. I explored things I wanted to do. And I surprised myself finding I could still do what I used to, just a bit of adaptation was needed.
I looked inward a lot and I reformed my beliefs. This was extremely helpful. I stopped living for the past. It was never coming back. I chose to carry the parts I could and leave the rest in the past. Exploring the new me was now an adventure instead of a loss. How many people get the chance to reinvent themselves?
I hold strong to the belief that every emotion is a learning opportunity. I don't mind the pain, because it has as much to teach as the good times, if not more so. I chose to remind myself that Karma and I both have freewill. I cannot force him to stay or be happy any more than he can for me. But I can choose to make sure that in our time together he gets the best me I have to offer. If our relationship doesn't work, it is not going to be because I drove it/him away with my failure to thrive.
That's part of where happy healthy sane came from. It's rule for all of my relationships. Friendships, marriage, oso's, and mostly the relationship I have with myself. How can I expect anyone to be happy with me if I am not.
And the fun part was that the more I found myself again, the more that I was more than this broken body laying in bed, Karma and I began enjoying our time together a lot more. We began working on things together. We began taking the time to communicare. To show love and caring within our communication.
It does get easier if you allow it. If this is something you are willing to live with. It may be that is just not the life for you. But if you are willing to work on it, on your own and together, it can be a good thing. The more I found love for myself, the easier it was to find joy and love for Karma and his other relationships.
Belief in and love for myself allowed me to lose the envy and the jealousy. I lost the self doubt. I lost the comparisons. When all of that is gone, it's a lot easier to see the situation for what it is.
I really wish you luck. It is a hard road and takes a lot of self work. But it is possible.