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Old 08-17-2011, 09:15 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 633

Quoting Dinged Heart: "Does this mean that Z will be posting on the struggling section now....that would be ironic. You said he doesn't like change ....what has changed for him? I thought that when you were married you practiced and identified as being poly....then divorced found Z and chose to live mono. Why is it important to label the identity? How long have you been with Z? ....sorry ...I'm sure you posted this stuff before but I wouldn't know how to access this stuff quickly....I'd have to read hundreds of entries.

I think you have a fascinating story ...married with boyfriend (poly) then divorced ...then mono back to poly.... wow what a journey....and it not over...more growth and more interesting stories to come I'm sure.

I wonder what the percentage of poly/mono couple remain that way over the long haul. There seems to be a high percentage of mono's that do this in response to their situation ...freetime , carma's husband, Lovingradances husband , you , etc and it makes sense.... balance and fairness."

Ha,ha lol - Z isn't really a poster, not when it comes to matters of the heart. He's more comfortable posting about technology via linked in.

I'm flattered that you find my story interesting; maybe because it has some similarities with yours way back when I was 'bad wife' (light hearted comment not meant to be taken too seriously).

Yes Z may struggle. There is a slight sense of struggle in him already. I think when any dynamic changes in a relationship there is the potential for struggle. He has some deep seated insecurities and when they come up for him his love output is diminished. The good thing is that with all the relationship work we've done we're both in a much better place to understand it and deal with it.

What's changed for him? I'm on OK Cupid and receiving quite a bit of interest, a lot more than him. He isn't the poly who throws his hands up in glee when his mono goes poly, he is the poly who goes, "Oh dear where could this lead and how will I feel about it?"

When I was married I had never even heard of polyamory but my husband and I did play around with having an open marriage. Some twenty years ago he was quite into it and I was too because our marriage was struggling and I thought it might help us both. Then he went sort of weird-spiritual and started saying things like "I could never do that to you". Go figure, it probably would have been the best thing he could have ever done to me because I totally took him for granted. Then prior to our marriage breaking up three years ago I fell in love with our gardener (very Lady Chatterley). He was married too and that was when I proposed a Vee (not that I knew that was the term for it), because while my marriage had many, many issues I did genuinely feel that I still loved my husband. Hubs said no way, he wasn't going to be cuckholded and provide the lifestyle so that I could shower all my love on someone else while he got (excuse the language) sloppy seconds.

I left, and healed my heart by going online to find a replacement for my boyfriend. He was still married, going to stay that way and his wife wasn't interested in sharing him either. Yes I know, you should be by yourself and not do this sort of thing but I was really messed up and it was the only way forward that I could see at the time. Very quickly I met Z with his long distance love and the rest you pretty much know. It was and is such a beautiful relationship that I didn't want to complicate or ruin it by being polyamorous in it. I had fallen so deeply in love with two people in such quick succession that I didn't trust myself to open myself up again for fear of it happening again.

After three years of working on myself and our relationship I've released that fear. I now trust myself and realise that love comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet but for someone to compliment the life that I already have and hold very dear. Does that clear everything up?

Last edited by sage; 08-17-2011 at 09:23 PM.
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