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Old 08-17-2011, 06:24 PM
1stTime4Everything 1stTime4Everything is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 9
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I have several things I'd like to talk about so I think I'm going to break them up....


In regards to Lilly, I had left off in my last post the mention of us going to dinner and her joking about holding my hand and calling it a date. Well, the next night we hung out again. We went late night swimming at her sister's house. It was just Lilly, my husband and I, and another female (platonic) friend of ours....the night was a lot of fun....but there was one point during the night where I had whisked Lilly into my arms in the pool and held a private conversation with her away from the other two....it was during this small conversation that we had a somewhat small break-thru....she expressed to me that she indeed was attracted to me but did not want my husband in that way.....my head immediately thought of the stories and examples of V-relationships that I have read on here and other sites.....but the conversation didn't continue because it was interrupted, and then the fun of the night continued on.......I really wanted her to come home with us that night......so much so that I cried on the way home because I had felt rejected in a way....and this was all new to me....having my husband there, driving me home, a wonderful, amazing person whom I love sooooo much.....and he was being so supportive and comforting and understanding of how I felt....I mean, he could just tell I guess? I'm not sure....but so many new emotions running through me, I just broke down in tears from the overbearing weight of it all.....

the following week came with a surprising turn of events...Lilly had applied for a job 2.5 hours away and was granted an interview....she went, the interview went great, they offered her the job and she accepted....and so began the last two weeks of her being here, near us....and I told her I wanted to hang out with her as much as possible since she was moving away....so we've gone to lunches, and window shopping, and even the movies.....went out last Saturday to one of our usual bars and then hung out again this Sunday at me and my husband's housewarming party and we had a "good luck" cake for her there, which was nice and she loved it...

I'm sad that she's moving away....at the same time I'm happy for her....I know she was really miserable about her job here.....I'm really gonna miss her though....but it's not like she's moving so far where it isn't a car ride away....and I will get to visit and see her so its not like this is her walking out of my life right away.....but moving away does change the dynamic of friendships, whether people admit to that or not, and for that, I'm sad too....we tend to leech onto those that are closest to us.....and that includes close as in distance.....it's easier to have a close relationship with someone whom you can see everyday....someone who can come right over if you need them too....someone whom you can meet up with after work on short notice.....she won't be that someone anymore because she'll be 2.5 hours away....now we have to plan visits in advance....and that makes me sad.....

I wonder if I should tell her flat out how I feel? I wonder if she would see our friendship differently if I did....In my mind I see this fairy-tale outcome where she admits feelings for me as well and we end up starting a long distance relationship, and I make plans to visit her up there and have amazing weekends with just me and her, and she makes plans to visit us and spends time with me and my husband....and its nothing different than the times we share together now 'cept that theres more passion, small things like a simple touch or look that shows that we all share a deeper relationship than just 3 normal friends....

but I also feel as though I can't be that selfish.....I can't allow myself to open up more to her when she's moving away....what if it makes it harder on her to leave? what if by me telling her, she feels even more homesick once up there? what she needs is support right now...not a confession from someone who is no longer going to be just 5 mins away.....

another part of me keeps telling myself that it's only 2.5 hours....there are friendships and relationships out there with much more distance involved than that....and so I shouldn't be taking it so hard, it's not like she's moving across the world....

I'll only have one more night to hang out with her and that's tomorrow night.....our usual group of friends are going to all go to spend her last night here with her...and I doubt I will confess anything to her during this time....

In regards to my Husband, we have been having more and more small conversations about what we are comfortable with, what we are not, my feelings towards Lilly, his views and feelings, etc.....talking more as certainly helped us become closer and stronger and I feel as though it has helped us reach an even more deeper love for one another...

He was approached by a woman to see if he wanted to go out for drinks....let's call her Jane....at the time, he told Jane that he was married and that if she was searching for something discreet, he would have to decline....after talking for a little awhile they decided to friend each other on facebook....i was aware that all of this was going on and he had no intentions of it being anything more than a platonic friendship....he is friendly and likes being social and its one of the things I love about him....so I didn't feel negatively toward the whole thing.....and so I friended her on facebook as well....now, I guess I should have realized that it would be wierd on her part since I myself have never met or spoken to her.....so after a week or so of no communication, my husband tells me she contacted him and asked why I had friended her....he told her I was just being friendly that I wasn't some kind of jealous stalker wife and that when we throw parties and such, it'd be easier to invite her to them, etc......which is true, it is a lot easier when his friends are friends with me on facebook so I can invite them to events and such.....well, anyways, he also ended up telling her about us opening our relationship, etc....she expressed that she was definitely interested in him but that she felt she holds traditional views on relationships......so I suppose it can be a safe assumption that she is monogamous...

this led my husband and I down one of our more deeper conversations about the path we are embarking upon......the more I analyze my emotions, the more I read into poly relationships, etc. .....the more I feel like I shouldn't be selfish and expect him to sit back and not explore as well.....how else are we to figure out if this is the lifestyle we want to live? i expressed to him that if at any point he would want to date or have a relationship with another woman that I would be comfortable with that......at least for now, thinking about it, I am comfortable with the idea of him dating....just as he is comfortable with the idea of me dating women.....I explained to him to many possibilities.....he could find that he'd rather just be involved sexually with myself and another woman, where as I would be the one in two relationships.....or he could find that he wants to have a secondary relationship.....or I could find that I'd rather just be in a primary with him while he decides to have more than one relationship.....it could end up blossoming in so many different ways, but that the key part was that we always communicate how certain things, actions, ideas, etc make us feel....that we don't hold anything back....and it includes having an open communication with whoever else becomes involved with us......it was such a great conversation....I feel as though he is open to the concept and perhaps no longer only views it as being about sex....or at the very least, he understands that even if for him it only begins as being about sex, that it could very well turn into a deeper relationship.....and I sensed that he was just as excited, nervous, and scared as I was....which in a way, was comforting....

As for me, I've been spending way too much time dwelling on the simple fact that Lilly will no longer be just 5 mins away....it has made this incredible sense of loneliness come over me, which when I think about it is completely silly, since I have plenty of friends and family in my life.....but I can't deny that it's what I feel....loneliness...and I have also been spending way too much time on the thought of dating other women...I'm stuck in a rut, and I know I should just stop thinking about what could happen, stop thinking of hypotheticals, and just let things happen as they should....maybe I'll be attending class one day and meet someone.....maybe I'll be at the laundry-mat or the grocery store....who knows....but I do feel that thinking, "will I meet someone here?" is creating so much pressure inside of me....it's making this whole journey a tad bit overwhelming....

I simply need to just live.

Last edited by 1stTime4Everything; 08-17-2011 at 06:36 PM. Reason: corrected a few typos and grammer...
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