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Old 08-17-2011, 03:21 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Originally Posted by Tristania View Post
My husband can be very persuasive (he is the only person I have ever been intimate with, besides our female friend, so that should tell you something!) He is a psychologist and I know for a fact that he actively strategizes to get people to do things they haven't done before. He has gotten several people I know (including me) to do illegal drugs, who had never touched them before. He has very little regard for any "traditional" values, but has recently become enamored with the polyamorous lifestyle and I feel that he would be receptive to certain ground rules that this community has established.
The way you describe your husband's past actions waves several red flags for me. It seems that he has antisocial/narcistic tendencies in his personality - he is manipulative, insists that "traditional ethics" (everything that doesn't feel good to him) don't apply to him (often people with this type of personality defect insists that they, and everyone they choose to involve themselves with, are way too intelligent, evolved etc. for common morality), and a strong desire to appear to be on the "cutting edge" and adopting a membership in fashionable subcultures with little to no understanding of what that actually involves.

Originally Posted by Tristania View Post
... he continues to pressure me to have threesomes, not just with our mutual friend but other women as well... I tried to tell my husband I didn't want to do it. He got depressed and sulky, and laid down on the sofa in the dark, and when she got there, he would barely talk to us or do anything. I felt so awkward about this that I offered to cheer him up by making out with my friend. I was able to set aside my real self that evening and take on a persona that could handle the situation better... We all ended up having sex, but I wanted to be out of it at that point so I got high on weed, drank some wine, and then I took a bunch of Vicodin and sleeping pills. I really did not care at that point if I woke up the next morning.
You do know that pressuring and emotionally blackmailing somebody to perform sexual acts they would not otherwise choose to do is sexual abuse?

Originally Posted by Tristania View Post
I am severely depressed and cannot sleep at night. I have told my husband that, after trying polyamory, it is not for me, but he continues to pressure me.
Your symptoms sound like a classical response to abuse, including the way you describe putting a mask on when forced to do sexual acts you resent and coping with the emotional trauma through using mind-altering drugs. And I second River; this is in no form, way or function polyamory. Exploitation is a one word that comes to mind. I'm somewhat familiar with sex work studies and your description brings to mind testimonies of women who have been trafficked.

Originally Posted by Tristania View Post
My husband believes he is within his right to pursue his self-exploration..
And you have an undeniable and unwaverable right to sexual and relational self-determination. His willingness to pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, especially while he's aware of your history of abuse, shows no respect towards you, and respect is one of the key ingredients of poly.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower

Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 08-17-2011 at 03:23 PM.
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