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Old 08-17-2011, 03:01 PM
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River River is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,896


First of all, it's crucial for you to know that having sex with multiple partners is, in and of itself, not necessarily polyamory. It becomes polyamory only when there is a loving relationship. And sex isn't love. A polyamorous relationship is one in which there are multiple loves and mutual honesty and consent from all parties directly involved. Merely opening up sexually doesn't constitute polyamory.

You really shouldn't involve yourself in much unwanted activities just to please your husband, and especially when the result is ... "but I wanted to be out of it at that point so I got high on weed, drank some wine, and then I took a bunch of Vicodin and sleeping pills. I really did not care at that point if I woke up the next morning."

I'm very not impressed with your husband, going by your words. He seems very self-centered and manipulative -- and not very loving at all. If he loved you he would not subject you to any of this stuff that you're not interested in, nor pressure/manipulate you into it. A psychologist? You can't mean he's a psychotherapist?! I can see him running experiments in a lab coat -- on rats. Dear Goddess, let's hope he's not a psychotherapist! A psychotherapist should be an intensely compassionate and sensitive person. This man seems to lack both of these qualities altogether. You two probably need either couples therapy or a divorce, or both. You need to treat yourself much more kindly, hon. And it's just plain sad that your partner in life is doing so little to help
you with that.

As for the polyamory "community". This animal both does and does not exist. Most poly folk do subscribe to a common set of basic ethical principles, e.g., honesty, direct and skillful/honest communication, ... basically treating our partners with kindness, dignity and respect. But we've never conjoined as a single international association or club with a single standard handbook or manifesto. We're free agents loosely linked by a sort of cultural milieu.


Reading back over again...

"My husband believes he is within his right to pursue his self-exploration, although he would be not be agreeable to me having sex with other men...."

This 'man' seems to me to be a royal jackass. If I were you, I'd pack up my bags and get out of the house immediatly, then send him some divorce papers. This is no man, this is a self-centered boy in men's clothing. He just hasn't grown up yet, and you shouldn't mother him as his wife.

"I was able to set aside my real self that evening and take on a persona that could handle the situation better...."

Never again set aside your real self and adopt a persona for anyone. Please! Take a stand for yourself. Be yourself. Love and nurture and care for yourself. And one of the best ways to do this is to refuse to involve yourself in relationships in which you are being selfishly manipulated and otherwise mistreated. One's life partner/s is (are) supposed to be uplifting, helpful, nurturing, caring. If they are not, darling, you have yourself a real problem -- and need to get out. Find people that treat you with kindness and respect. It will help you to learn how to treat yourself that way.
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Last edited by River; 08-17-2011 at 03:21 PM.
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