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Old 08-17-2011, 02:17 PM
Tristania Tristania is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2
Default Are you, as a community, guided by general rules of conduct?


I am new to this forum and new to the experience of a polyamorous relationship. About a year ago, my husband and I started experimenting with having threesomes with one of our mutual female friends. It was not my idea, and unfortunately, I agreed to it for the wrong reasons (I had low self-esteem; I felt like my husband resented my existence, and thought he would appreciate me more if I did it).

My husband can be very persuasive (he is the only person I have ever been intimate with, besides our female friend, so that should tell you something!) He is a psychologist and I know for a fact that he actively strategizes to get people to do things they haven't done before. He has gotten several people I know (including me) to do illegal drugs, who had never touched them before. He has very little regard for any "traditional" values, but has recently become enamored with the polyamorous lifestyle and I feel that he would be receptive to certain ground rules that this community has established.

Are there any such ground rules? I ask because the situation has taken a bad turn for me, and he continues to pressure me to have threesomes, not just with our mutual friend but other women as well.

Each time we "experimented" with our friend, I became increasingly agitated about it. The last time it happened, before she came over to our house, I tried to tell my husband I didn't want to do it. He got depressed and sulky, and laid down on the sofa in the dark, and when she got there, he would barely talk to us or do anything. I felt so awkward about this that I offered to cheer him up by making out with my friend. I was able to set aside my real self that evening and take on a persona that could handle the situation better... We all ended up having sex, but I wanted to be out of it at that point so I got high on weed, drank some wine, and then I took a bunch of Vicodin and sleeping pills. I really did not care at that point if I woke up the next morning.

I am severely depressed and cannot sleep at night. I have told my husband that, after trying polyamory, it is not for me, but he continues to pressure me. I have talked to my friend and she has been very compassionate; our threesomes with her have stopped, at least.

My husband believes he is within his right to pursue his self-exploration, although he would be not be agreeable to me having sex with other men (not that I want to; I was abused as a child and have a hard time with physical intimacy, in general.). The issue may end our marriage, but I am hoping that we can work through it. Since he refuses to respond to traditional notions of ethics, I wondered, do you as a community prescribe to generally agreed-upon ethical guidelines? I need a little help here...

Last edited by Tristania; 08-17-2011 at 02:26 PM.
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