The Undiscovered Country
I wanted to take a few minutes to share what is going on these days. For those who "know" me from the board, it's easy to see that I have flailed and battled myself for a while. Good news is, I think I am winning.
After soon 13 amazing pedestal-years with my partner, she came out as poly a bit over two months ago, and professed her deep love for one of our closest friends. She has not been missing anything in our relationship, and is not craving more, chasing a high or feeling unhappy. She has found a second soulmate, and I do agree that that's worth pursuing.
It has been a total mental rollercoaster for me since then. I am not ashamed to say that my first choice to "totally" accept this was based on my complete fear of losing her and our relationship. I went through a LOT of flailing and pain, crying alone, no sleep, not eating, hurting my partner a lot, probably hurting her boyfriend as well. I am however proud to say that I feel a fundamental change in my attitude towards this. I love my partner with all my heart, and I love her boyfriend too, and I love what he brings to her life, how he makes her feel.
Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with basic insecurities, mostly thoughts of "Soon she will realise how good he is for her, and will leave me" etc, but with time and her fantastic patience, I believe this too will pass. I have a long way to go when it comes to being alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone, eating alone, but this too will be okay.
She said something last night which really struck a chord in me, that I want to share. We were standing in the bathroom, I wrapped my arms around her from behind, and we looked at each other in the mirror, a loving couple, me protecting and covering her. She said "Ironically, I do this *because* I love you so much.". And yes, she puts up with the drama and challenge, to keep me in her life. That says something about how much she loves me. And how much she loves him. And in all fairness how much I love her.
That kind of love is worth fighting for.
Mono engaged to poly VanillaCrazyCake
Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.