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Old 10-24-2009, 06:49 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
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There's a lot to be considered in all of this, but I'm not going to get into the details of it. I will say this, though. There are many couples I know that when they first decided to open up their relationship would do so by seeking a third for a poly-fi triad. Of all the couples I know personally, they all are either monogamous again or are open and dating separately and not seeking a triad anymore. Now this, isn't to say that all poly-fi triads are destined for failure. I have known a couple of very happy long term triads like that, but both involved couples who were very experienced in poly and were already open and dating others before happily stumbling upon their unicorns and deciding to be fidelitous after finding then. There is something to be said for the vast majority of couples (many of them new to being poly) seeking this and it generally crashing and burning.

If the solution you're looking for is "things back to the way they used to be with all three of us in a happy equal triad", that may not be possible. But that doesn't mean that there are no solutions. Perhaps it's time for the relationship to evolve to a different structure. But in order for that to be able to happen, everyone first has to let go of the idea that there is only one way and one structure for this relationship to work. Once it becomes an "all or nothing" situation, it's usually not going to be the "all" part that prevails. Let's face it- "all" never really prevails in any relationship. We always have to change and adapt things to fit as people change and adapt themselves. And quite frankly, if it is an "all or nothing" situation- i.e. you're either going to be a happy equal triad or nothing else, then it's pretty clear that Anne has already lost in this game and is going to get burned.

But if you're willing to let the structure of the relationship change and adapt to the needs of the people in it, then you have a much better chance of success. I do know that in my own situation of being the third in a triad that broke up, the whole thing crashed and burned because she needed it to be all or nothing. When the connection between me and the woman became less than the connection I had with the man, she cut the whole thing off. Quite frankly, he and I could have easily explored a relationship together, and that relationship needn't have threatened their marriage, but because she felt that the only poly relationships they should have could only be if all three were involved, all of those feelings were cut off and I was burned.

(this next bit might come off as an indictment against all poly-fi triads or couples seeking poly-fi triads. As with most everything in life, I know that this does not apply to ALL couples or ALL triads. I acknowledge that poly-fi triads are something that can be successful and couples can bring in a third for lots of long term happiness. I'm sure there will be couples who read this who think "Oh, that's not how it is with US" Fair enough. It may not apply to you. But I'm also willing to be that there will be a fair number of couples who think it doesn't apply to them when it does)


Honestly, when I see a couple that's new to poly and seeking a third to "complete them" or to "be an equal partner" I see a couple that feels the need to control the other love that might enter into their partner's life. It's like they're saying, "Sure, my partner can fall in love with someone else, but ONLY if I am explicitly involved so that I may have control over my partner's love and so that love will always have something to do with me too, no matter what." Now, I know this isn't always true for every couple, but I do believe it to be true for many, if not most couples that are seeking this dynamic. One need only to see the vast number of unicorns who have been burned by such situations to have an inkling that perhaps this isn't the best way to go about things. We've all heard it before and every couple seems to say the same thing. "we want you to be an equal partner in our relationship", "we just have so much love to give, we have to share it with someone else". Etc, etc. Most of them end the same way- the unicorn is cast off with burn scars and everyone is off licking their wounds. And I've yet to meet a single poly bi female who's been through this (and I've personally known quite a few) who gets up after the experience and says "Wow, I want to try that again!". This is why unicorns are so rare.

So I guess I'm saying that the first step to finding a solution to this is to LET GO of the idea that there is only one way this relationship can be. Maybe it need to evolve into more of a V situation, maybe there's a whole other structure that nobody's seen yet. If you are really committed to being poly in this, there are all sorts of alternatives to just either being a triad or a back to a couple with the third cast off. If all the talking you're doing is in order to try to protect and restore the triad, then it's only going to generate more hurt and anger. Just let it go and let it flow to where it belongs.

Last edited by Ceoli; 10-24-2009 at 06:57 PM.
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