Anyone else exhausted?
I was reading some online articles and blogs on polyamory as I try to adjust and make my way through. Some of them included some pros/cons lists and the like. Now most of those were of a rather obvious nature but I had a bit of an epiphany when I read this one:
"Under Cons: More processing, more arguments, more hurt feelings, more long talks into the night sorting things out, more sharing, more talking, more planning, more WORK than you could ever have in a monogamous relationship."
Ya know, I'm feeling worn out, tired and down right ready to hibernate lately...and I wasn't sure why. Now I know. I've been working SO hard at easing my husband's insecurities and talking through his jealousy issues. And mine too, I mean, I am a secondary partner to my b/f and it's new to me. I've had to work my head around sharing him as well. Then there's the scheduling for time together with all the mates as well as alone time with each the hubby AND the b/f. All that while maintaining a front for my kids because we're not telling them at this time...I'm pooped.
And another serious mental mind fuck for me, I realized that I don't know how to have a strictly "secondary" relationship. I can't keep things light and fluffy and neatly separated under "primary" and "secondary". I find that I still yearn for more, even when I get to see my b/f 2 or 3 times in a week. Though most weeks it's only 1-2 times max.
I'm not being greedy really... But a part of me always feels slightly empty when I'm home with my original family...and it's becoming harder. I wish the b/f was there with us. And I can't really say it out loud since we're still working on hubby's insecurity ~sigh~.
I think of crazy things like sharing a semi-detached house with my boyfriend and his mates/kids, yet I know how impossibly difficult something like this would be, I'm not stupid.
So my mind's been racing and I'm tired...sure hope this gets easier.
I tried being reasonable. I didn't like it. ~Clint Eastwood~