Thanks to all...sometimes I think it helps to write things out to find perspective. Sometimes I allow myself to believe it's all in my head...maybe because somehow I think it's better to be crazy than stupid.
I have been home with the kids for 10 years, and he made sure that my credit is crap(twice over), so finding a job has been difficult.....500 applications/resumes...3 interviews but I do have a part time work at home job and a place stay at my mom's house when I am ready to go...saving money is impossible at this point...he just lost a big contract and we are struggling to keep the lights on and put food on the table. And he tends to blow off work to spend time with her so he is killing his reputation and word of mouth advertising right now....things don't look like they are going to turn around. So short term ..long term... I am leaving here with nothing beyond clothes and the kids...and to make matters worse my mother is tearing into me about not being smarter and hiding money when he was making a lot of it...she doesn't understand that he always made sure I was scrambling to pay bills or using my credit cards to buy groceries even though there should have been several thousand left over every month....
As far as physical abuse...he doesn't throw punches, doesn't fly into rages but he does hide behind kink(even though I told him I am not interested).. I avoid sex with him because he feels the need to inflict pain so that has the potential to escalate.... and he recently got himself a motorcycle and a concealed carry permit(oh yeah he's got issues....lots of issues) so I am also hyper aware of that stupid gun at all times...even though I believe he would put it to his own head for dramatic effect before he's put it to mine.
I did try calling the local domestic abuse line/shelter, they really can't offer much unless I am willing to stay in the shelter/press charges(for what at this point?)..but they did give me a number for legal aid.
The kids start school next week...I just don't know whether to turn their lives upside down before or after....they are already a nervous about what they know..nevermind a whole new school.
Ughhh...I will figure it out. Thanks again..it helps to write things out and be reassured that it is abuse.