Thread: Hello from NY!
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Old 10-24-2009, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
...jot down a couple of rules...The biggest one is that I asked him not to get any other women pregnant. He said that could not and would not make that promise to me. This has been a BIG deal for me as I have fertility issues. In April 2009 we decided to take the next step in dealing with the fertility, so I'm really confused, upset, etc about this.
"M"
Okay, my perception from reading this thread is that your husband likes/loves you and wants to continue a relationship with you, but he also has some nagging thing in the back of his head that he wants kids and that he's not going to be able to have them with you. Maybe that's his only reason for wanting multiple partners, or maybe he has other motivations, but I perceive that this is a very real and major motivation for him. So naturally if you make it a rule that he can't do what he specifically is wanting to be "poly" for, you are going to butt heads.

I know a lot of people are ragging on him for other quotes like telling you that he will be more likely to find a partner than you so I'm not going to even bother joining that parade. Suffice to say, he finds odd ways to express his respect and admiration for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
husband keeps bringing up a Needs/Wants/Likes list. He said that he made one a few months ago and that he goes back to it every so often to add/delete/modify it. He wants me to make one too so that we can compare the two together. He said that if the lists aren't similar enough then there is no way for us to continue as a couple. I keep telling him that I am not living my life by some list. I sat down last week to make this list and I can only come up with 3-4 things in the "needs" section.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Is there anyone who has made a list like this or knows what I'm talking about? "M"
I had this request from my up-until-recently-g/f, Nyx who posted a thread about her request and my response here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550
which of course led to a great discussion about what does one truly need in the more existential vein, wants vs. needs and so on. I found it went deeper than my original understanding and perception of the question when it was posed to me; perhaps it will help you?

I have a hard time coming up with anything in the needs section because I am a very independent person, partly due to losing the person I was closest to, my mother, when I was 22. One of the lessons I learned from her death was that there is no one in my life that I cannot continue on without, be it because of their death or simply because our two paths diverge (this side of the borderlands).

I had a hard time giving Nyx what she was asking for, which I think was a list of requirements. I suppose there are things that I require or the antithesis as in redsirenn's Relationship Death List, things like "Killing my dog and painting my garage with his blood." or to be less specific, "Continued emotional or physical abuse.". A list of things I won't put up with. But I never really know myself for true until the situation arises. Nyx has never thrown a punch or a plate at me, but certainly I've been shiv'd by daggers in her eyes and words, which I have forgiven. A different me at a different time might (reasonably enough) react differently. So my new question is what are your needs and are they future needs, present needs, permanent or temporary? And by needs I mean dominant motivations.

I am with you on "not living your life by a list." We are a series of moments and memories and energies and sure you can write something down like I am at this moment but this does not being to encapsulate me... it is merely an expression of who and where and what I am feeling in this moment in response to what I am perceiving and processing. Making lists and defining oneself has the inherent danger of causing neglect of one's infinite nature.
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