Originally Posted by Carma
I've been a real jerk to him lately. Actually I suppose part of me knew he'd never go all the way with someone else as long as I was being nice. So it was a bit manipulative of me, and I'm ashamed of myself for that. . . . I just don't want him going to her because he is being abused and neglected at home. That's what was happening. I feel so bad.
Huge revelations, Carma!
Some very wise teachers of mine used to say that feeling bad about something doesn't resolve the issue, because it keeps it around and gives us a reason to do it again. Besides, it's not necessary nor important that you feel bad or ashamed about your actions or behavior. Better that you see it, acknowledge it, and move on, but don't dwell on any "I'm such a bad person for doing that!" kind of thoughts. The truly great thing is that you really saw what you've been doing and owned up to it. People in relationships do this kind of stuff all the time and it's so easy to keep the blinders on and not look at it.
What you wrote here reminds me of a monologue in a play I used to use at auditions. The play is Italian American Reconciliation
by John Patrick Shanley (he wrote Moonstruck
). The monologue is Janice talking about Huey, her ex-husband, and all the things she used to do to get him to pay attention to her - the real her, not the woman he thought she was. She is beautiful and thought he couldn't see beyond that, and didn't really know who she is inside. So, in the monologue, she explains how she tried to make him see her "for who I really am" by giving him bad food, yelling at him, locking him out of the bedroom, and so on, but he keeps being nice to her and she feels like he just doesn't get it. She really wants to feel closer to him -- so finally she shoots his dog.
It came to my mind because, you know, we really do these things for an outcome that will benefit us and the ones we love. We get impatient for our loved ones to get off their butts and do what we think is best and so, if being nice and supportive doesn't work, our minds switch into some dastardly plot -- but it's all for the greater good, right? So, somewhere inside we feel it makes sense. However, in the play, shooting Huey's dog doesn't make him wake up to how deep she is and definitely pushes him away.
So, it's a very valuable thing that you saw what you were doing and realized it without letting it continue and before dragging it on until things got really strained and bad between you and Sundance. It isn't anything to be ashamed of. You should rejoice, actually, that you have now understood yourself a little deeper, seen things more clearly, and noticed a way that you operate when you feel things aren't going the way you think they should.
This is all important self-growth stuff, and I think it's huge that you realized this track you were heading down and were able to turn it around. That's pretty fucking enlightened behavior, if you ask me.