I don't know how to make it right
This probably more of a vent of frustration, then a need for advice. If you have advice, that would be welcome too.
I'm not really sure how to begin, or even where to begin. My partners are both on the site. For those who don't know. We are a V. Tommy is our hinge. Sea and I are best friends, and have been for over 3 years. Our relationship started out as a casual thing, and turned into so much more. It took me well over 2 years to be wholely committed to our relationship. Part of me couldn't get past the whole "they are married". Once I was able to get over that, I jumped in with both feet.
We used to be so happy together. We spent our weekends doing chores, renovating, laughing, drinking, talking, arguing. Now we spend most of our weekends in tears. Not usually Tommy, but Sea and I. We are both so emotionally connected. Not only to Tommy but each other. This the first weekend in a long time we haven't spent together. It's tearing me apart. I don't consider myself a selfish person. I try to always put their needs, the primary relationship, before myself. I'm not always able to accomplish that. Lord knows I'm not perfect.
As much as I am able, I try to give 100% to our relationship, but it's never enough. This week it's something, and we figure it out amounst the tears, then next week, it's something else. I know that no relationship is easy. Whether mono or poly, but dammit, it would be nice to have a weekend when it was just fun and laughter.
I feel like the line we have for our boundaries is drawn in sand. The tide comes in, and the line moves. Then we draw another line, and the tide comes in again. It's feeling more like quicksand then just plain ordinary beach sand.
I've definitely made my fair share of mistakes. I'm opinionated, and argumentive. I say it like it is, not always using tact. I have on occasion hurt Sea with my bluntness. She feels like I'm attacking her. I'm not. I'm just saying it the best way I know how. I want everyone in my life to be as honest with me as I am with them. Having said that, Sea has done her fair share of hurting me. She is not as blunt, but trust me when I tell you she has her way of getting it across. The hurt has been mutal. Not purposely done, but then it doesn't have to be. Hurt is hurt, no matter where it's coming from. So now we both wait, for one of us do or say something, that will bring the hurt back to forefront, and in doing this we are hurting Tommy in more ways then I can possibly say. He's stuck in the middle of these two women that he loves so much, and he gives up so much to try to make it better for us.
He left today telling me that to him it feels like I'd rather be alone here, then to spend the night with him. Our time is so limited. Usually weekends, if he's not working, and 4 hours a week if he is. It's not that at all. I tried to make him understand, but he left so hurt. It seems like no matter how I tried to say the right thing, I kept saying the wrong thing.
I feel like my life is spent waiting. Waiting for the weekend to be with them. Waiting for that 2 minute conversation when he calls me from work, just to say hi, and when he doesn't call, I'm disappointed, and maybe a little envious, because I know he didn't forget to call Sea. Waiting for that 2 hours twice a week we spend alone, but if something comes up, and it doesn't work out, again I'm disappointed. Waiting for Sea to come online at night, so we can talk about everything and nothing. But if she doesn't come on, then I know they are having date night. Which I know they need to stay connected, but I don't get date night. (Not either of their fault), just not able to happen. So I'm alone. Waiting... waiting... waiting.... I sound bitter, and selfish, and I hate that about myself.
I didn't go over this weekend, because this routine, is all about waiting, and I thought if I just stayed home, then it wouldn't be about waiting. It all just sounds stupid now. I knew what I was thinking and why I was thinking it when I was thinking it. Now I just feel like an idiot. Being selfish, didn't put me first, it put Tommy last. I'm just not good at the selfish thing.
Just a rant. Don't feel like you have to reply. I'm not sure I would. LOL.