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Old 08-14-2011, 10:39 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
Does Sarah want to change? Is she working towards feeling safer with your relationship with her husband?
Yes, she recently said she wants to work towards an equal relationship, which is huge progress!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
If she is working towards changing, honestly you sound really impatience. This is very different then swinging and it takes time to wrap you head around it. She might need things to help her out. It sounds a little like you are unwilling to help her out if it means less time with her husband.
Yea, I think you are spot on with picking up on the impatient tone. I didn't hold back in my posts, but I try when I communicate with her to not to make her feel pressured. I understand that what she is trying to work through is extremely difficult, and I respect her so much for doing what so many people are unable to do, but that doesn't always help me to know that when I am treated so unequally. I guess what I most wanted from this forum was some affirmation from others that this can work out. Sometimes I feel helpless, like I am investing so much, yet I'm not sure if it will work out. At any moment she could just decide this isn't right for her, then I instantly lose two people that I love. I feel insecure, and out of control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
Do the three of you agree on what you are working towards? What does she _want_ the relationship to look like? What do you want it to look like? What does her husband want it to look like? Are you on the same page?

If she doesn't ever want you to have a private sexual relationship with her husband and isn't working towards it... then yeah, this might not be the right place for you. If she does want that but isn't there yet emotionally I think you could make it a lot easier on her by slowing down, being 100% honest and being patient. She needs your help, your love, your support. Not you standing there tapping your foot and saying "you aren't going fast enough for me".
I think that we all need to have a lot more conversations about this. We discussed giving me an fair place in the relationship, and she said for the first time that she was willing to commit to that vision. I do think we need to talk in more concrete terms about what that actually means, because I think if we do, it will come clear that we all have slightly (not drastically) different views.

Patience is what I struggle with the most. In the past I have let people walk all over me, and I have a hard time knowing where to draw the line between when it is appropriate and healthy to be patient, and when it is time to move on. It is so much easier for me to be patient when I believe that this can all work out so that I can be treated equally, fairly, evenly (however you want to put it), but sometimes I fear it isn't possible considering how emotional she get's about some things that seem so small to me. It makes me feel like we are so far from where I want us to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
If you are all on the same page you have time. I know it can feel like you don't. It can feel like everything you want is being kept from you and that is unfair but this woman is opening up her heart, her marriage, her life, her home and that is scary.
Thank you, I think I needed to be reminded of this. I guess I should just check in with her frequently to make sure we are sharing the same vision, but also let her know that I understand it's difficult and that I can give her the time and support she needs.


Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
Poly is hard. It is complicated emotionally even for people who can't live any other way. We don't have a lot of examples to look at and society doesn't exactly come running to support us... that is why it is so important that we support the people in our relationships. It can be frustrating and slow but if you are all working towards the same thing you'll get there. It just takes time.
That is so true, so little real life examples of success and what works in poly. The push back from society is so not helpful.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It was VERY helpful!
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