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Old 08-14-2011, 07:59 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55

Red Pepper:

Thanks for the reply. I did a search of those tags and didn't really find much relative to my triad situation. Though I have had some luck searching "poly" and "jealousy" online. Infact, Sarah, Tom and I are doing a jealousy workbook together.


I really appreciate you looking at my other threads to get as much context as you can, thank you!

I have to say though, that while I appreciate your advice, I don't really think Tom and I spending less time together would address the root of the problem in the relationship. I've been doing a lot of reading on jealousy. In it I've learned that with jealousy, there is a "trigger," and there is a "root." The trigger is the situation which inspires the jealous feelings, while the root is the underlying belief that the individual has about the situation. From my understanding, it's important to not treat jealousy by avoiding triggers, because then that leaves the roots intact, ready to crop up any moment a trigger occurs, which is bound to happen. So Tom and I spending time together is the trigger of the jealousy, but the root is the ideas that Sarah has about this, such as "If they spend time together without me then they will not want to be with me anymore. If I don't spend time with them, then they will not love me as much." etc.

I also wouldn't feel like it was fair of her to ask us not to spend time together just so she doesn't feel jealousy. I believe it is my role to support her when I can, but it is absolutely only her responsibility and realm of control to deal with her jealousy. I would never ask her or anyone else I truly care about to avoid spending time with people she loves just because I have to be at work. Why should I have to step back? I invest just as much in this relationship as they do...

I don't know. Am I totally off base here?

I also have to add some more context: Tom has lots of time to himself, and lots of time with Sarah. They live together. They see each other when she gets home, and in the mornings. He does a lot of work from home, so while I am at work, they have time together. Also, they are not married, not that that really makes any difference, just clearing that up!

Last edited by polycouple; 08-14-2011 at 08:10 PM. Reason: add more info
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