Originally Posted by opalescent
Second, I wonder how others build intimacy outside of sex with secondary partners. I've noticed that I feel most intimate with SW during and after sex. Of course, sex was our reason to get together in the first place so that's not so surprising. However, we have lots else in common besides boinking. But I don't feel as intimate with him doing other activities, even though I always enjoy hanging out with him. We tend not to talk about difficult or intimate topics except after sex. I wonder if this is a 'dude' pattern. The women I've dated created intimacy throughout the relationship and not just in sex. I'm going to talk to him about it but wonder, again, if others have experienced something similar and what they did about it.
Yes, this is something that comes to my mind when I think about analyzing my relationship with Randy. Recently, he made the comment "This isn't just about the sex, you know" he paused then we both laughed and simultaneously said "Well mostly!"
There is a barrier to deepest intimacy in this relationship, but I believe I put it there myself as traditional marriage hasn't been kind to me in terms of intimacy either. There is definitely mutual love, caring and compassion between us, but the sex is the tightest bond. I believe there are barriers on his end too, but not just for me. He's married to his work and not to Vivian, and I know at times she even comes second to that.
Thanks for your input Opalescent. I'm going to think on the subject of intimacy a little further.