MT you are sounding like you have a lot of pent up anger and resentment about your situation.
Please don't be angry with me (I haven't read the whole thread either)but maybe you need to open this up to the light of day and share it with your wife. From my own experiences I don't think much movement towards the positive can occur when you are holding resentments. Are you familiar with non-violent communication? This would probably be a good place to start.