Some years before I met K, I was married to L briefly. When L forced me to choose between the unicorn (oddly enough, M, and I'm a J: J, K, L, M...) that she brought into the relationship (a triad) and her, I wasn't comfortable with how I felt like an accessory in her life rather than a decision-maker in my own, so I left. It took a year for my life to settle down, and she and I wrestled with the idea of getting back together. She wanted me to return to where we lived (her terms), and I wouldn’t agree unless she came to where I lived (my terms). In the end we drifted apart, but we had no kids to worry about like in DH’s situation.
For DH’s case, I wouldn’t suggest punitive charges (forcing her to pay reparations, for example), but I would suggest making your terms the required threshold for any progress forward. Simply put, her choices damaged the family. She has to work, say, and act in ways to establish trust before being considered available to return to the family. Only then would things have the potential to develop more.
Taking her back isn’t out of the question (I believe in forgiveness and redemption), but it’s not a “now” thing. There is no redemption without amending the broken ways. Even then, there is no returning to the way things were. The way they were fell apart.
Last edited by sagency; 08-12-2011 at 08:19 PM.