wow, its amazing how much better i feel just to have written my thoughts down and have had them validated by your responses. because, to answer one of your questions, i live alone. this leaves me LOTS of time and room for my imagination to run rampant and for my little negative thought-loops to become maelstroms, since i just sit by myself and stew
so heres our situation: H and M were a couple when we first met. theres some rough spots in their relationship, and theyre both committed to working on those, which is great! but they say, and i believe and agree, that they want to form a triad with me, no longer a couple and their gf, as things were before, if the difference between those makes sense. but for now, they live and work together, so of course spend MUCH more time with each other than i do, as for me, my work schedule is a little different from theirs (i usually work weekdays, from 7-3)but the MAIN issue is that i live in a different part of town (about 45 min-1 hour away from their place by bus, as i dont have a car) ALSO, i have a dog, who i can bring on the bus, but its a big production everytime i do, so i cant really go to their place unless its for a sleepover..this is something we'll try at some point soon. as for H sleeping over, well, hed have to get up at 5 to beat traffic to get home in time to open up the store and...hes just not a morning kind of guy
so. mostly im really happy with living alone, its the first time in my life that i ever have, and i pretty much love it. BUT i realize that if i lived in a busier neighbourhood, or had roomates, probably this issue wouldnt seem so pressing, as id just have more activities to keep my mind off missing my loves. and this is definitely somehting thats in my power to change. xmas is coming, and i need to start on my gift crafting!!
ok, other answers.
i guess what i mean by explosive chats, is that i was used to a certain amount of flirtation from H when we were online before. we would talk a little dirty, make cyber-googoo eyes at each other, lots of heart emoticons, etc. this was BEFORE we were officially in a relationship (and subsequent decision to be exclusive for the time being). the beginning of our triad-dom happened to coincide with business going even better at the store, so now H barely has time for a hi and bye type conversation, and i would interpret him as being abrupt. so in my self-involved way, i saw myself as going from: receiving LOTS of attention, both from the man and woman i love, as well as other flirtations i had going on, to: still lots of loving attention from my girlfriend, but it almost seemed like the second he started calling me girlfriend and was the only guy with the possibility to fuck me, the pursuit was off. thats really how i interpreted it at first, i fear..and i got a little resentful and hurt. we did have acouple tearfilled phone calls after massive miscommunications online, one time i actually went out there on the bus late in the evening and we spoke alone and all 3 of us. it did make certain aspects of the problem better. See, M had expressed not being comfortable with me and H being intimate when she was around (shes communicating her needs and discomforts so much more now, im so proud of her
)but he interpreted this as meaning NO AFFECTION at all when M was around, period. none for her, none for me, everyone equal..so my grievance was, i get cold shoulder when were all together, cold shoulder online, so all the NRE im feeling has to be expressed and experienced in a few hours a week!?! no!! anyway, when that little explosion occurred, we had a really great talk with all 3 of us, and concluded that MORE affection for everyone was what was needed and would make everyone happy
and the last time we were all together, things were so much better. i felt free to rub Hs back when we cross paths in the hallway, playfully wrestle in the kitchen while making dinner, perform all these wonderful physical expressions of love ive always felt free to express with M!! so thats why i feel terrible that it still doesnt feel like enough!! but i really do need to know that im not a weekend girlfriend, that H thinks about me even when im not around, the way i think so often of him, send him little good morning messages, sometimes craft something cute to give him on the weekend (yes, hes a boy that likes cute, crafted things!!one of the many reasons to love him)haha! can you tell i dont have tons of outlets?! i could type all day!!