Figured I should update a little. I haven't disappeared lol. After my last post about going to the lake, J got really sick with strep. Turns out, the lake has been tested and found to have toxic algae in it
He's the only one that got sick though (literally by the next morning). The boys and I made out just fine. J is doing much better now that he's been on his antibiotics.
Since J and I started talking about poly several weeks ago, I have been doing a lot of thinking and searching my own heart. I've only been with J sexually. He's my first and only. But, I do have needs in my life (emotionally and yes, sexually) that just aren't being met by J. It's not his fault, he's not ignoring me or anything like that. He's just different from things that I enjoy. I'm more of a romantic, passionate, compassionate, quiet, loving person. J is a much more outgoing, loud, spontaneous, erotic, adventurous person. All things which I really love about him, because it helps bring those things out in me (and I in him). But, I also enjoy just being cuddled, caressed, talked to lovingly, etc. J does those things at times for me because he knows I enjoy them, but it's not really his nature. I enjoy the foreplay to build up to the passionate sex (deeply passionate make out sessions just rev my engine!!), J just wants to get straight to wild crazy sex lol.
I've been thinking about what it would be like for me to find a guy that could meet those needs for me, just as J is looking for a girl to meet his more wild needs for him. I've never even thought of myself actually being with another man until recently, and honestly, the idea brings me joy. I've always fantasized about what it would be like, but never thought that I could actually move forward with those fantasies and have all my needs met while still being with the love of my life. It's kind of a weird and foreign thought to me, but an enjoyable one at the same time. I'm not sure where this is going to take us, but it's something I'm talking about with J. I think it would be a huge stress relief off of him to know that I was being taken care of and loved in a way that I need while still getting my wilder side of needs met by him (yes, I do still have a wild side lol, don't we all??). I know that J identifies as poly, but I never thought that I would. Now, I'm not sure what to think.
Breaking down the walls of mono concerning J has really caused me to search myself. It's a pretty neat adventure so far. I'm learning things about myself that I had been to "spiritually brain washed" to even begin to pay mind to before. I can say with 100% confidence, that I could love J as well as another man. That part, I know.
Am I really mono as I have told myself all these years, or am I actually poly and have just been repressing it due to the church brain washing and past life events? This is a huge question that I am asking myself right now.
Ah, to be young again, I allowed myself so much more freedom in my relationships then (except the sexual end, I always said I would only have sex with my husband, mostly due to being raped at a very young age and having a skewed view of sex as a result). Now, things just seem so much more trivial than they should be!