I have spent most of the last 2 days reading Mohegan's blog. I envy your commitment to searching out your own fears and facing them.
My daughter and B just came home from vacation Tuesday evening. They were heading to the same part of the country so shared flights to keep our daughter from having to fly alone. Khas picked them up at the airport and at first I felt pretty left out. We talked and I felt better by the time I saw B again today.
We spent hours catching up and working on our sculpting and just talking about life. I shared with her where I am at in my journey and what it means to me. I also told her about reading a blog of the journey of another woman who has traveled the same path.
Today was a crappy fibro day (which we both have as well as a medical dictionary of other stuff) so we were happy to accomplish little besides talking. She was surprised I am serious about moving forward with this poly lifestyle. She wanted to know why I would agree when its not 'my' thing. I explained that as much as it hurts and I don't really like the self-analysis part. The relevant fact to me is simple. I love him, I want him to be a happy and complete person in every way that means to him. So my choices are simple, journey with him or part ways. I am not ready to throw away my marriage and our love. I reserve the right (as do we all) to say to him someday " I am sorry, but you are going somewhere I am not prepared to follow"... I am not there and will not go there without trying.
Khas came over after work and we all went to dinner and shopping. It was ok, B and I held his hand going into the restaurant and though it hurts it didn't kill me
Had some teenage drama and left them together while I came home to rescue our daughter from the vagaries of the city bus. He isn't home yet but I am feeling ok.
Thank you for all that so many of you have shared.
I do not *want* to look at my issues, I do not *like* discovering that I have been so selfish and wanted everything my way or in a way that I thought was most productive and stable for my children.
Change is hard and if it was easy more of us would do it right?
Oh and this honesty thing is sure a double edged sword!