Thread: My new Ai-jin
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Old 10-23-2009, 04:49 PM
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ramfish ramfish is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47

Wednesday was a very /panicflail kind of day. I had planned on staying home because one of my two classes was canceled and work on the quilt I'm making for a friend's wedding. I had a good afternoon and I was happy when my hubby came home and was ready to spend a lazy evening with him. Well ... I'm not *blaming* him for me being so neurotic, but he said we should see if J-kun was free and have a serious conversation with him about poly. I was still nervous about it, not wanting to push him, put to much pressure on him, etc. but I felt that the hubby was right but kept stalling. Well he made like he was going to send J-kun the message himself, teasing me (trying to make me relax...but not doing a very good job ((hes great at that =p))) so I sent the message. Then got a stomach ache, laid down for an hour, getting no response.

So we went out to dinner, caught up on our TV watching, and then I continued stitching away at my sewing machine trying not to think about it too much. However it's a terrible habit of mine, so I just ended up thinking about it ANYWAY. I shed a few panic tears, worried that I was scaring him off. My husband kept reassuring me that he didn't think that would happen, reminding me, quite logically, that he was probably just busy. Which, of course, he was right about. (/shock awe)

I KNEW J-kun was probably busy, but that doesn't keep me from letting all the little bits of stress about a new relationship creep up on me occasionally and coming out all at once. We call it "spewing molten-crazy all over the place." I try not to do it. I never do it in public, or, really, with anyone other than my husband. I'm a private person when it comes to my feelings so I don't tend to let them out unless I am comfortable, and it takes a lot of faith and trust in someone before I'm ready to let myself go.

Luckily that is starting to happen with J-kun. AND it's not just happening with him. I've still been kind of "testing the waters" out here with my peers. A little afraid that if I let myself BE MYSELF these people will stare at me with a wtf kind of response. However, people out here are pretty relaxed, which is refreshing. It's just difficult to let old habits die.

ANYWAY I did see J-kun yesterday and we were all getting ready for our Japanese midterm and oral presentation/test. We had a pretty friendly day, though I can't say that my nerves weren't making me ill. And I cannot entirely contribute my stress to what is going on with J-kun. I mean, he is not the only thing going on with me. I've got this present to finish, Japanese tests to pass (hopefully with flying colors) and three other classes to worry about. Oh yeah, and there's that husband and those three cats I have at home that are waiting to see me at the end of the day ^_~

However I got to spend the night with J-kun. I went back to his place with him and A-san and we watched two movies (Japanese ninja dorkyness followed by Sukiyaki Western Django). J-kun let me know he was glad I was coming before we picked up A-san. He's still trying to let he know he's not interested anymore. It seems all she wants from him is sex and even though he's attracted to her, she's into things he's not. I can tell it's a little uncomfortable for him. I do like A-san, she seems nice enough, even if she is a little weird. However, I'm pretty used to weird.

J-kun has said multiple times that he is thinking he will tell her he has a girlfriend. I have been wondering if he meant that as a deflection to her, as a way to get her to understand their fling was over, or if he meant it in reference to me. Well that question was answered last night, and he really does mean me. I just don't think he would tell her who, simply because I have expressed my desire to try and remain discreet among our peers simply because I do not want to have to deal with all the questions it will raise. Perhaps at a later date when I am more comfortable with what our relationship is, I will not have such worries about explaining it to others. However, right now, this is what I am comfortable with and I am glad he respects that.

He did ask me what it was my husband and I wanted to talk to him about. I told him we just wanted to explain poly to him better. He let me know that he really doesn't need it spelled out for him, that he does get it. I said I just needed him to know about it being the belief that people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, which is really the ONLY thing I wanted to say out loud to him. He expressed a distaste for wanting to complicate things by defining them. He is much more comfortable letting our relationship be what it is and not trying to put labels on it. I agree, so I am feeling much better about it now.

I get to spend all day tomorrow with meh hubby driving cross-state to a wedding. Even though he hates the driving, I like being in the car with him for some reason. I don't know why. It's silly ^_~ but I'm excited.
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