Thread: Top Ten List
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:38 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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I never understood how someone can feel threatened by a mate's attractions to others, which are such a natural part of just being human. I remember my bf, when I was age 16-19, insisted that I always look straight ahead in the car when we were driving because he couldn't bear the idea that I might be looking at other guys.

Maybe that set the stage for me later in life. In my mono life, I often pointed out attractive women to my husband, and joked about the crushes I had on certain movie stars. He referred to Faith Hill as "his girl," and flirted with waitresses. When I was in an off-B'way play and had to kiss my co-star, I'd come home all turned on and give it to hubs. Neither one of us were ever threatened by that stuff. However, there were women who were a bit pushy about being attracted to my hubs, and he would come home and tell me how uncomfortable it made him, and we'd try to figure out how he could diplomatically deflect their advances. They made me mad, but I completely trusted him, even if he thought they were pretty or sexy.

I am an extremely loyal person. If I promise someone not to stray, I mean it; if I give someone my heart, it's without reservation; if I make a commitment to someone, I'm committed. If my partner feels threatened just because I find another person attractive, then I take it to mean they don't trust me and they really just think my word is shit. It's a huge insult not to be trusted.

The only time I ever feel insecure about someone's attractions to other people is when a relationship is new and there is no established commitment yet. That is another story. My self-esteem sometimes needs work in that area. But once I feel like I can count on someone and we have a real committed relationship going, I don't doubt their word and I expect them not to doubt mine.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-11-2011 at 10:40 PM.
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