Thank you all for your input, and keep it coming, she needs it.
We had a long and very difficult talk this evening, both of us had to walk away from it for a whie when we started getting defensive, came back later and got to at least one of the roots of it (may be more, we don't know yet, lol). Without going into a lot of personal detail that I don't know if she wants all over the interweb, we at least have somewhere to start.
I don't know if I should be grateful or concerned that this came out while Anne is out of town visiting her family up north. On the one hand, it saves her some stress if we can get something handled before she gets back; on the other hand, if we don't, she comes home to a very different situation than she left, when she felt everyone was fine and happy.
I'd talk to her about it, a little heads up, but she's going in for minor surgery tomorrow, and I really don't want to dump all this on her now if we dont' have too, lol.
In any event, things are placid here now, we're having a good night together and working on figuring this out. Thanks especially to Ceoli for taking the time to IM her today and help her with this.