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Old 08-10-2011, 04:11 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I'd like to ask participants here this.:

Are you anxious about the loss of your loved one/s?

Let's answer on a numerical scale.

No, not at all - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 - Intenesely, yes!

Since the answer may be variable over time, think of averaging your numbers in over the last ten days to two weeks.

I think I'm at about 1.5 - 2.
I'd likely be in the same number range (1 to 2) for anxiety over losing a love. I recognize that this is part personality and part situation and my own decisions have shaped this.

For example, when K (my mono wife) has giving birth to L (our only child--a son), she very nearly died. So I know that I have the capacity for anxiety 10. While she was bleeding on the table I was right there insisting she speak every minute for fear that if she slept, she would not wake. This is not a normal case, of course.

On a daily basis, we're very stable. As such, I have little fear that the relationship will end and thus little anxiety over losing her.

When I have a new interest, the anxiety level for that person increases. Until we get through all the uncomfortable conversations that come with new relationships and poly life, I feel a high concern for rejection. In the past this could be as high as 7 or 8. Because I have the stable foundation with K, I'd say now the level is more like a 4 or maybe 5. After all, I don't need that new person to fulfill all my romantic and sexual needs (like mono life expects), so there's much less pressure for success.

Because I'm poly, I can appreciate each relationship for what makes it special (contrast makes this easier), and I don't need one partner to be all things at all times. That plus being more selective about who I choose in the first place (existing relationships means there's less rush to find a new one) means my relationship anxiety is greatly reduced. This place took much time to reach though.
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