You make very good points. Hubby does have issues with insecurity. He says he doesn't know why he feels differently about having multiple women in the relationship but not multiple men. Honestly the situation has never come up before because well, I am not interested in any way shape or form in being with another man and never in my life have thought of being with any other man. When we met her she told us she was experienced and had another "3 way relationships" to the point that her daughter wouldn't think it odd for 3 people to be in bed together because she had seen it before. She also said that she had no desire for any other man to be in the relationship nor did she have any interest in pursuing any other relationship outside of the three of us. Had she said that she did have other interests we would have discussed it.
My husband not communicating is true that it is a issue. He has a tendency to talk to me about things about the relationship and I have historically been the one to bring it up mainly because he isn't the best communicator in that he sometimes has a sarcastic tone that isn't necessarily meant but yet is there. Yes it is something he needs to work on and he did work a lot on it with this relationship, but when he does try to express his concerns and is out and out lied to, I think that he decided that he didn't have any use for trying to communicate with dishonesty.
As for her moving in, it was put to us that she either moved in or she would be homeless. I guess maybe the better option would have been to have let her and her daughter go to a shelter and continue to try and work on the relationship at that point. It wasn't like he and I "went out looking" for her. She met hubby playing a game online. and she pursued things much harder then he did and then he introduced us. She immediately told me that she had "cervical cancer" which I have now come to believe was only because I run a Cancer Non Profit and she thought that it would endear her to me. I was cautious about the relationship because well, I was less then 5 months out of treatment for Cancer myself. Once she moved in she suddenly didn't have cancer anymore. Your right that I didn't rock the boat because of the kid. I felt that having the kid have to move into a homeless shelter was worse then trying to give her a stable home life.
By the end of the relationship I felt like I couldn't handle the dishonesty from her anymore. Maybe hubby wasn't the most communicative, maybe I let things go on longer then they should have, but it was in no way for selfish reasons and was instead because I DIDN'T want to disrupt the kids life.
This is the first "single unemployed mom" that hubby and I have been with, the other s have been professional, highly educated, intelligent women, and those relationships have ended very amicably with us being friends to this day but they have pursued other relationships. The difference is that when they had feelings for others they came to us and didn't deny it over and over again, they came to us and said "I have been talking with so and so and I am not sure this is where I need to be right now" and we have agreed to go our own ways. Even with hubby having his communication issues it has been a nice and peaceful ending. We have had about 6 relationships in the last 15 years of being together. Of those 6, the longest was over 3 years long and the only reason that ended was because of us having to move because of hubbys work and her not being able to move because of hers. It was THE MOST heartbreaking breakups ever and neither of us were angry or upset, we were all just sad.
I keep thinking about what was said about it not being necessary for her to move in and I keep thinking of if I would have been better suited to have said at that point "you know what, we can't take you and your child on yet, we think ti might work out someday but this isn't the right time, why dont you go get yourself set up at that shelter you were calling and we will see if maybe after a few more months you and your daughter will be in a better position to move in with us" and given her a ride to the shelter instead of our home. I guess I thought that was a little bit more heartless then I wanted to be toward someone I was trying to get to know and may want to be with. Who knows how things would have been different.
I have learned my lesson about young uneducated single mothers who are willing to lie and say whatever they need to take care of their children and their needs. I have also learned why sometimes what is said "stereotypically" isn't always just a bias and many times comes from true experiences that MANY have had. As for my wanting a child, it wasn't that we were looking to have a child, but it was kinda a situation where once the child was there we came to love her as our own.