Those are all very astute observations from everyone. Yes, communication was an issue. Although I dont know so much about the "us versus her" thing because that really didn't come up till after the relationship was over. The agreement that hubby be the only man was something that we all discussed a number of times and she said she was fine with things that way and that the man she was "seeing" on the internet was just a friend and that nothing would ever or could happen because as she put it "I don't like him that way" so it wasn't that she couldn't talk about it.
You are right about not being ready to move in and that the situation called for it to happen that way. There were a LOT of changes that happened within a week or two of her moving in. I think that the thing that hurts hubby and I the most is that if she had been honest with us we would have probably gone our separate ways (which would have apparently been ok with her) and hubby and I wouldn't have invested 2 months more into the relationship then she was. It is interesting what was said about the "just crazy" aspect of things. My therapist upon meeting her the first time a few weeks ago told me that she was depressed and that she was not in the relationship anymore and that he got the feeling that her interests lied elsewhere. When I brought this up to her she swore up and down that wasn't the case.
You are ABSOLUTELY correct about hte communication thing. I felt and said the entire relationship that I felt like I was the only one communicating or even trying to communicate. I struggled a lot with wondering if my being a active psychology student and my having "communicate" drilled into my head was making me push them to communicate when they didn't want to. Hubby has communication issues and he and I have worked a lot on them over the years. He is much better but still tends to like many (not all of course) men turn any emotion he does have into anger and annoyance.
I completely appreciate everyone's replies and this has given me a lot ot think about and while I know it will be a while before I will be anywhere near ready to venture into another poly relationship I will certainly make sure that the woman we involve ourselves with is more stable both mentally and personally in the world. I learned from this relationship that I need to be with someone who is stimulating to me intellectually. I dont want to sound elitist (however I am not sure how I would not saying this) but I have found that trying to have conversations with someone who is not very educated tends to cause me to have frustrations with the lack of mental stimulation. I had never come across this issue before (although admittedly I also haven't had many relationships since returning to college because of the fact that I usually dont have the time needed for school let alone school and another new relationship.