Okay. So, I haven't posted here because I'm dead scared of the fucking flack I'm sure I'm going to catch for this. But, it's getting to a point where my mind is officially caught in a vicious circle that I'm unable to break. Not only is it fucking up my relationship with HMA, it's fucking up our triad. And that's not cool.
Somewhere along the line, in the past three weeks, my whole world came crashing in on me. I went from being completely happy, fine, and excited about what Anne, HMA, and I are building - to being hurt, depressed, resentful, and pulling away from the both of them. And I have NO idea what changed.
As it sits right now, I'm in turmoil. I don't want to lose what we have going between all three of us, but I'm becoming possessive and weird. I went from really liking watching HMA and Anne together, to getting upset. I haven't mentioned that to either of them, so when HMA reads this it may come as a surprise. Maybe more of this will. I dunno. I went from enjoying the time all three of us spend together, to being resentful of the fact that it feels like that "all three" time is taking away from the time I have with HMA. I don't feel like I'm in love with Anne anymore. I hate that all my alone time with HMA is either spent talking about our triad or talking about how I'm not the same way I was a few weeks ago. Nothing is normal anymore.
HMA and I are supposed to be getting married next September. I went from not being able to keep my grubby little paws off of EVERY wedding magazine and website I could find - to being in near tears when I try to get into planning again. I had gotten better with it - but now, I'm right back to depression. I went from enjoying the odd looks and questions from people, to wishing that HMA and I could just be a normal couple again. I went from understanding that "love multiplies, it doesn't divide", to being COMPLETELY unable to understand how him loving both of us doesn't make it so he's taking love from me to give to her. I went from knowing that I was his whole world, and that she fit into that world seamlessly and knowing that it didn't mean I was threatened or being neglected - to being HORRIBLY upset that I no longer feel as though I'm EVERYTHING to him.
I have trouble considering Anne's feelings again. It's like I reverted WAY back to the first week of this shit, where I KNEW I was Poly - but because of the circumstances and how fast things were moving, I was overwhelmed and needed to catch up. It's like the past month never happened! I don't even really like having sex with both of them anymore. My sex drive is practically dead again. Just like it was before.
And it really had gotten better! I can HONESTLY say that I had gotten to a point that I was completely alright and happy - so don't claim or insinuate that that isn't or wasn't the case. It was. SOMETHING happened - maybe within me, or within Anne or HMA, or within our situation - I don't know. But something is dragging up this insecurity and this hurt.
Another thing weighing on me is Anne's internship. Before she met us, she was planning on doing a fashion design internship in Paris for 3-6 months. I can't handle LD relationships. I can't. I also can't afford to skip out on work and go with her. I don't WANT to. If she goes (and she claims it's all "up in the air" right now), I don't know that I can be here when she gets back. In fact, I'm 98% sure I can't be. I jsut don't work that way! And if she goes - knowing that - what the FUCK did we put all the work in for?!
HMA and I are fighting all of a sudden. We never fought. We aren't communicating. I don't enjoy sex the same way and sometimes I don't enjoy it at all. It still feels right to be with him, and I don't want to leave him - it's Anne I'm not sure about. And I know he can't just leave her. I don't WANT him to ... I don't think. No matter how hard I try to figure out what I need, I can't. I just have no idea what I need right now.
I need things to go back to normal, actually. GETTING to "normal" is another story.
And I could never be like Mono. I could NOT be a monogamous person in a poly relationship. Now, I'm not saying I AM mono - but I couldn't, COULD NOT, be involved in a relationship where I was with HMA, and he was with Anne, and Anne and I were just friends. No way, no how. I'd go insane. And I have no desire to find another partner. HMA was all I needed - I could get my head around polyamory, I understood it and I wanted it! But all the same, all I needed was him. He was my world. He IS my world. And I know deep down that I'm his world too.
So where the FUCK is my problem?