Originally Posted by OptionD
I can say from personal experience that I and all the men I know are pretty insecure about sex. It's a competitive dominance thing. If I think another man is taking a position of power over my woman it makes me feel undermined. Men do this stuff to each other all day long, the silent power play between who is in control, and women are a focal point for this.
Because monogamy is so ingrained it's part of our automatic social power play. So if I'm seeing a girl and I know she's seeing other guys at the same time, I feel very insecure and I most certainly wouldn't want to meet the other guys and talk to them because there's this competitive struggle.
It would take a lot of personal insight and self control for a lot of men to learn to overcome this insecurity. I'm not sure about women, maybe it's the same, I'm not all that in tune with how women's social politics works.
It seems to me that I could overcome the fear of other men being with my girl, it's just a matter of learning to trust in her adoration and commitment to me.
I imagine it would be much easier if I as a trusting friend of the men my partner was sleeping with. Obviously though in today's world that's not going to be practical most of the time. I can imagine it would be difficult to get into the whole group love thing, as it would be hard to find many partners who are poly aware.
Those are all my insights having no experience in poly relationships of course! But I have to say I'm really liking the idea of poly relationships. It feels like it's what I've always wanted but had never even heard about.
This does indeed seem like ownership thoughts... I remembering hearing similar ideas from Mono. Sometimes that comes through again...and we talk again.... over and over.... he did grow up with that mentality and his career choice promotes this mentality... he is in the military and a lot of the men he has worked with have a nice little wifey at home who takes care of his babies while they are at sea. They seem to think that the dirty fucking is for the prostitutes they buy overseas. That kind of dirtiness is not meant for wives. Wives are like the expensive truck or motorbike they own. Not the rental they get in foreign ports.
I can barely stand it some days when he tells me stories of work. Then I meet some of these men and they treat me like Mono's possession. Or perhaps that is what I think they are doing. Ya, I am pretty sure that thoughts of that go through their head. They look me up and down, size me up to determine if I am worth of owning and then Mono has some kind of status because of it. There is pressure for him to marry me so that the cycle will be complete. So that he too can join the ranks again that are appropriate for men in the military... back to the whoring! Woot... if only they knew what is going down with him at home. He already tells them I am a burlesque dancer and that he is involved with BDSM. That just blows their mind that I would be that "dirty!" The fact that he is my live in boyfriend would lesson his status in the ranks rather than promote him.
Ya, we have had many a conversation about the difference between his old mentality and the one that I subscribe to which is to be proud of your self
and the amount of work you have done on yourself rather than who you think you own... walking hand in hand in a journey together, figuring out better boundaries for oneself and for ones relationships, trusting and committing to that journey of togetherness is far more productive as far as I can see.
Still, men think they can own women. Full stop. What men don't realize is that women have their own thing going on and when put in a position that they are thought of as owned, they tend to go underground to get their need for autonomy. That means they equally fuck around behind their partners back and are not owned at all.... all that chance for commitment, trust, REAL autonomy with integrity; lost. Poly allows for all of that to disappear just by being honest, communicating openly and respecting that their is not one gender more powerful than the other. There is only empowerment.