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Old 08-06-2011, 05:28 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 123 View Post
He thinks me doing certain things with other guys is dirty and it makes him uncomfortable to touch me. Me being with other guys makes him see me as no different from the casual, no strings attached girls he's been with. It's like everything else in our relationship - the emotional attachment, the way we interact and add value to each others' lives in so many other ways - suddenly means nothing if I sleep with other people.

......We've both identified as polyamorous and he's been with multiple partners for a couple years now. Even though I haven't been with as many other partners, I've never had any reason to believe he was SO set in this kind of mentality at all. He's reacting right now as though I just dropped this idea of polyamory on him out of nowhere and he doesn't understand anything about it. BUT, he doesn't have any of those thoughts about himself. He still feels the same way and doesn't feel like his actions affect our relationship at all. The only thing that's making him hesitant to attempt being with anyone else is feeling guilty because he knows he's essentially taken that option away from me

It feels like he can understand and accept this lifestyle if it's him or anyone else living it, but when it comes to HIS partner, I need to be only his possession. I have no idea what to do or how to help. The last thing I want is to start resenting him for simply feeling what he genuinely feels.
Mono used to be threatened by me going to hang out with men because he felt men would take advantage of me and he wanted to protect me. I explained ownership to him and it took awhile for him to realize that he could be concerned for my well being and be ready to protect me if I asked for it, rather than jumping to conclusions and fighting off any man that came along.

I understood that he didn't covet me and own me so much as loved me so much that he saw me as a beautiful temple of loveliness that he thought I should be careful with and cherish as much as he did. When I met him I had been with partners just for casual sex and he had the same attitude towards it as your man does now. He was disgusted and dismayed that I would let others use my body in such a way. I now see it the same way as he does actually and don't allow anyone in to use me in that way any more. I was used 9 times out of 10; I get that others aren't or don't see it that way.

I would wonder if your partner is seeing things similarly to what I said about Mono and perhaps he is also recovering from the stress and dynamic that was created from your time of not being able to have sex. It could of taken a toll in terms of his view on your body, its worth and his need to protect it and covet it somehow. I don't think I am using the right words, but it might warrant a conversation about how he felt going through all that. Including how he felt having sport/casual sex. It sounds like there might be some guilt there or a blasť attitude that has shaped his thoughts about certain kinds of sex.

Your post was very helpful to me actually, as it affirmed that sometimes, and some men use women for sex without regard to their worth holistically. I'm sure some women also do this. Thanks for that affirmation. I love feeling more empowered and more set in my boundaries as a result

Quote:
Originally Posted by 123 View Post
he realizes I'm a great catch [if I do say so myself!! ] and worries any guy I'm with will want to steal me away. But he also understands that *I* also would need to want to leave him and he understands that I... am... polyamorous. Even if I developed feelings for someone else, it would not mean I'd love him less nor would I ever want to end my relationship with him for it.
Realizes they might want to steal you away? Or use you for sex and not appreciate you as he does? How do you see yourself? Do you have sex quickly with men? Is there a relationship established before hand? All these factors could come in to play for him.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-06-2011 at 05:41 PM.
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