Thread: Hello from NY!
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
I do have one other question/concern that I need some help with.

My husband keeps bringing up a Needs/Wants/Likes list. He said that he made one a few months ago and that he goes back to it every so often to add/delete/modify it. He wants me to make one too so that we can compare the two together. He said that if the lists aren't similar enough then there is no way for us to continue as a couple. I keep telling him that I am not living my life by some list. I sat down last week to make this list and I can only come up with 3-4 things in the "needs" section.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. Is there anyone who has made a list like this or knows what I'm talking about? If there is anyone who could help me with this I would greatly appreciate it. We're going to see a couple therapist next month and my husband wants to take these lists with us. I think it's just a bunch of crap.
Actually yes-and my dh thought it was a bunch of crap at first too-but it's not.
It's not a "permanent list" because we change every day. But it is a guideline to help yourself understand yourself a little better, a little deeper.

Short Example-for me
I NEED
to have connection
security
love
understanding
active lifestyle
time alone
friendship
time with my kids

I WANT
freedom to explore
time with my kids having fun
romance
excitement
lots of kisses

I CAN NOT TOLERATE
judgement
condemnation of me as a person
derogatory statements or treatment of me publicly or privately
having my friends chosen or approved by someone else


I know these things about me-so I know I can't be with someone who can't respect and appreciate my kids. Cause they will negatively affect one of the things that I need. I also can't be with someone who needs to degrade others to make themselves feel worthy-because I can't tolerate that behavior and it will happen to me...

Try not to think only in terms of your romantic relationship-but think in terms of your basic self. Like my time alone-I truly NEED it. Every other day or so I take an hour in the tub to read with the door locked while DH watches the kids. He learned a long time ago that if I don't get that time I lose me and start being a bitch-which he doesn't appreciate. So he helps ensure I get it and we all benefit.
It's not pertinent to a romantic relationship per se-but it does EFFECT that relationship. Does that help?
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