Magdlyn you ask the hard questions and it's good. Honesty time. Yes looking inside I think I would enjoy even seek out intimacy. The obsession/infatuation part does not sound like me I don't get like that. Am I contradicting myself? I am desperate to quench the sexual hunger in my life it's true. I have had passing crushes. I'm sure it can feel great to be in love a hormonal high probably. Will that affect my love for A and my family? Who can tell I don't know. Reading the experiences in this forum they seem to go both ways.
What I do notice is I am more capable of love and tenderness when I am emotionally on form. I am especially well when I train a lot in my sport or have good times with my friends. When I'm down I'm usually down because I'm not active enough. If a love affair boosts feelgood hormones wouldn't that make me even more loving in my primary relationship?
You can see I'm trying to predict from what little I know. I have no experience of polyamory. It's probably a lot harder in practice than me dreaming here.
I honestly don't feel there's anything wrong with feeling close to others in addition to my primary partner and deriving emotional sustenance from others. I wouldn't love A any less at least that's what it feels like now. Feeling more complete and understood should help make me a better person. I would be less stressed more relaxed more secure more content. Except if A takes it badly then it would be hell.
Funny how I take A's commitment to me for granted while she doubts mine. It's actually the other way round I know I'll never leave her and she often thinks I will. Strange also it's never about whether she might leave.
As for porn addiction it comes and goes. I'm not sure I fit the addiction profile you mention. I have gone for many months at at time without feeling I need it. When I do go looking for it it sometimes feels as if I'm doing it more out of defiance trying to find out what I need. Like a starving man looking at a picture cookbook. It does not take long to say yup I think I could have some of that. It gets boring after a while.
Again thanks for reading. I still can't believe anyone would take an interest in my self absorbed little world. Yous are amazing.
I enjoyed your teasing River and nycindie. You have something going on?