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Old 08-05-2011, 10:32 PM
123 123 is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6

Thank you guys for your responses. I was up all night thinking about this -- writing this post and reading other stuff on this site got pretty worked up, bringing all the various questions/frustrations I've had to the forefront at once. Pretty overwhelming! lol

Originally Posted by OptionD View Post
At least from my experience, women are much more emotionally attached to their sex partners, where as relating from my own experiences, I'm happy to meet a woman, have sex with her immediately without exchanging words and then never see her again!
The weird thing is, he and I are both pretty similar in how we view sexuality; I need to connect to a partner's personality enough to be intellectually stimulated, but I much rather when there's no emotional attachment. It took time to develop the emotional attachment I have with my boyfriend and he knows that at this point, the only real danger to our emotional connection is him pulling away and distancing himself from me [which he's done as a result of this issue].

Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
how exactly can a man do this with a woman without the woman choosing for the exact same experience? There are two tangoing, aren't there?
Exactly. We've discussed this cuz he realizes I'm a great catch [if I do say so myself!! ] and worries any guy I'm with will want to steal me away. But he also understands that *I* also would need to want to leave him and he understands that I... am... polyamorous. Even if I developed feelings for someone else, it would not mean I'd love him less nor would I ever want to end my relationship with him for it.

He KNOWS all these things, on an intellectual level. Just can't stop having these reactions anyway....

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh dear. It's a big fucking red flag when a man categorizes women, some as dirty and some as relationship material, and then due to disappointment or whatever puts someone he loves in the dirty category. I bet the NSA play partners he has had go away feeling dirty after being with him.
It seems he perhaps has some unresolved issues about sex that have been prompted to surface for some reason, and a resentment toward a woman being sexually expressive on her own terms.
To be fair, "dirty" was my word, not his. He has claimed that's not it, but from everything he's explained about how he feels towards me after I was with another man, that's certainly what it seems like. And he's been quite adamant about not wanting to develop relationships with anyone I've been with [quite opposite to what we've always agreed we both needed in a polyamorous relationship]. But he's always encouraged men and women alike to explore their sexuality and be open. His last two long-term relationships grew out of NSA relationships, a point he emphasizes often whenever people criticize the lifestyle choice -- he sees people being open about sexuality a sign of strength rather than weakness.

I really am baffled because on every level, he really is the guy I want and love. In every aspect he thinks/feels/acts in ways I respect and want in a partner... but somehow when it comes to ME, to his future wife, it switches up.

Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Does he treat you as an equal partner otherwise? If he does treat you well in other aspects of your life together, then perhaps he is having a fearful reaction now because he has not had to deal with the reality of you also being polyamorous. A fearful reaction can be addressed, if he is willing.
He really is... a million times better than anyone I ever thought I would find in my lifetime. I have very high standards of what I want/need in a relationship and he surprisingly exceeds most of those standards. In every other aspect of our relationship, he is amazing -- he is open-minded, respectful, self-aware, constantly looking to better himself, constantly helping me better myself, accepting, generous, outgoing, loving, affectionate. It's just this one issue alone that has made him switch up so drastically.

We do believe it's a lot of fear- and trust-based issues that predate me. We're currently looking for a counselor who works with polyamorous couples. I'm just really searching for... patience. Understanding. I guess I'm just like him - I get what he's struggling with on an intellectual level, but I just can't understand/accept how HE can be reacting this way.
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