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Old 10-22-2009, 08:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
The first thing Redpepper said to me after we got back to my place last night was whether I was happy in what we have and did I want to stay in this relationship. This is not the first time she has asked this. My answer is always the same..I am happy in what we have right now and I do want to be in this relationship.

I have a tendency to take a discussion or hypothetical situation and create reality around it. This is a danger of forum discussions for me. I love to share but have to be careful not to take things on. I've gotten better at avoiding this but being raw because of so many things lately I let this happen again yesterday.

There is also the issue I have with facing difficulty. It is not that I avoid it; it is that I think I need to shield everyone around me from it. I essentially feel best in a fight if it is just me. Whether I win or lose will be determined by my own actions and damage to myself is insignificant as long as the greater good is achieved. Therefore I pull away or push at people trying to help me. I don't want people around me getting hurt regardless if they want to help.

Redpepper has made it clear that she is here for me and wants to share in not just the fun with me, but the hardships. She is the fiercest and most dedicated friend you could imagine...she'd be pretty damn good in a fight and I know she would always watch my back. I am surrendering to that. I need her so I donít sacrifice myself in trying to achieve the best for others.

I truly am happy in what we have and in my love for her and commitment to the family we have. We were lying in bed this morning and she put the question out there of "I wonder where we will be on you next birthday?" She doesn't feel the insecurities I do sometimes. I am afraid to read too much into her confidence but I do take strength in that.
I donít care where we are..I just want her lying next to me
I too tend to push people away in a battle for their own protection. I have the attitude that it's ok if I die for the cause-but when I go down I'm leaving a mark and no one else is going down. It can be hard to control that natural impulse. I've always equated it to being a single mom since I was 16. I was in ROTC training to go to Westpoint (got a full scholarship) when I got pregnant. I had spent 2 years training to become an officer in the military (didn't want to-wanted to be a sniper but whatever) and all of a sudden I was going to be a mom. Big mental shift in some capacities (especially since I was told I could never get pregnant due to health issues) but in other capacities-I simply rotated that training to parenting my daughter.
It became "law" that she would NOT suffer for any cause even if it killed me.

I did manage to let her suffer her own consequences so she could learn from them. But bigger things-no way.

Then when I got married I just carried that over to our marriage-and that became a nightmare. Maca needs to be able to fight his own battles. He's ok with me being back up-but it's not good for him if I take the fight from him.

On the other hand-he's MUCH more insecure then I ever have been. I just don't worry. Like with C-I know he loves me and he's never leaving and that's it. THere is no "what if"-I just KNOW.
I also KNOW I love Maca and I'm not leaving. I just know. It doesn't matter. If I regaled you all with ALL the b.s. from our past you would wonder why on earth we stuck it out-but sitting on this side of that crap-I know we benefit so much from having stuck it out and I have no regrets-but he thinks I should. So he projects his feelings onto me thinking that if he were me he would leave-so I must want to. But that's NOT how I feel, not at all.

Hard work this whole relationship, love and maturing thing!

I'm glad to have met you and RP. I'm glad to have been able to read your stories. I feel a tenderness for both of you that I've never felt for people I hadn't really met except characters in books! You have both touched my heart.
It's nice to have found this board and met so many people I can identify with. Keep reminding yourself that sometimes it's ok to let go!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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