Thread: Hello from NY!
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Old 10-22-2009, 08:12 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
Hello! I stumbled upon this forum this morning and I'm happy that I did. Here's my situation:
Welcome to the forums...hopefully you'll find something to help out.


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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post

Recently (a few weeks ago) my husband (of 5 years) told me that he is Poly! I knew right away what that meant and it hit me incredibly hard. I told my husband that I respect that he felt this way but that it wasn't for me. He seemed surprised by my reaction and said "I thought you were going to take it better than this."
I agree with Mono on this one...it's a big decision at the best of times to go against the grain of society...and doubly so if you spring it on someone unexpectantly. I'm far more curious about the timing...did he just decide it was time to tell you after 5 years? Or is this a recent 'revelation' to himself as well?


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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
We haven't talked a whole lot about this as we were/are having some relationship issues and want to work on that first. We did sort of "talk" about it a few days after he dropped the bomb on me. He kept telling me that this was going to be fun and that it would benefit both of us. I still don't see how it could be either of those things. He said that there would be rules/guidelines that we would all have to agree on (and follow).
It sounds as if he's been thinking about this for some time, and it's true, communication is key, and boudaries or rules to keep each partner safe I believe are generally recommended.
However, if you are having other issues to work through anyways, it's usually not a good time to shake up the paradigm...I wouldn't care if it was poly, swinging, kink, or macaronni crafts. Whatever issues you're working on, they probably should be resolved first, as adding other people into the equation will generally not simplify anything.


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Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
Well I started thinking about it and I decided to jot down a couple of rules that I would want to have. When I told my husband about them he didn't agree with a most of them. The biggest one is that I asked him not to get any other women pregnant. He said that could not and would not make that promise to me. This has been a BIG deal for me as I have fertility issues. In April 2009 we decided to take the next step in dealing with the fertility, so I'm really confused, upset, etc about this.
I'd say Kudos for at least taking the time to think about what rules or boundaries you would need to be safe. I'm curious about your husbands disagreement with so many, and his motivations towards poly...unless the list read something like, Rule #1: Be Monogamous, Rule #2: Don't sleep with anyone but me, Rule#3: Don't get anyone pregnant but me...etc etc....which while possibly valid rules for traditional marriage, it would make for a very short non-discussion for any kind of open or polyamorous relationship.

Not knowing the other rules, I'll stick with the hot ticket item...Don't knock up other people! Yeah...this is HUGE. I had a similar conversation with my wife, which we are still circling around each other a bit since she has basically the same rule for me. Except that my response was opposite...something to the effect of "Well DUH, of course not!"

Our situation differs from there in that we have our family, and we're very much inclined to protect that. The only downside to dating people in the medical profession is that they know way too much about birth control failure rates...and in my wife's case in particular she see's way too many of those cases on a daily basis. The other annicdote probably also has something to do with one of our first exposures to 'polyamory' many many moons ago (in quotes because the couple was only in the loosest sense of the term...emphasis on loose) was a guy in his late-twenties who within months of the birth of his first child with his wife, also managed to knock up one of the 14-year olds he was 'dating'. (Hopefully this doesn't diverge the conversation too much...it was in Canada, regardless of morality it was legal, and the guy was/is a douchebag...let's move on) Suffice to say, the biggest concern my wife has...is making sure we don't have unintended complications like child support, because just like time...income is finite.

Now...you say there are fertility issues, and you're going on at least 6 months of ...whatever the next step is. And in the last couple weeks he has come out as poly, and specifically won't even consider promising not to impregnate other women? I don't think I need my wife here to tell me that's a huge red flag warning right there. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the implications of your husband trying to have children by other women while you're struggling with fertility issues. It boggles the mind. If you're confused & upset, I don't blame you. The timing, and this as a sticking point...I'd be very curious about his reasoning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRC2009 View Post
So I've joined this forum in hopes of getting some insight from both Mono and Poly people. I've thought a LOT about this and if we can work things out between us I'm willing to give Poly a try. I told my husband that I would like to have a BF and he says that he thinks I'm trying to make myself Poly. Which couldn't be further from the truth!
You should be able to get plenty of both here, inlcuding mono people in relationships with poly's. I'm curious about your last couple statements, in giving Poly a try (is that for yourself, or would you be planning to maintain a monogamous relationship with him while allowing him to carry on in a poly type fasion?) as well as wanting a BF if you aren't trying to be poly yourself? Or is the BF just for show & tell? Payback? Equity?

Anyways, hopefully some others can weigh in on this, and with any luck they can be more concise than I. Just my 2 cents, and box-O'dozen-questions.

Cheers.
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